Jealousy has been a constant theme in my life lately. It’s more than just jealousy of pregnant women and families. I can barely look at Facebook without something jumping out and hurting me, even if it has nothing to do with babies, birth, or pregnancy. The baby stuff is easy to explain, but the other stuff is harder to talk about.
A lot of what hurts right now are seeing people go through other milestones. One of my husband’s brothers and his wife are in the process of buying a house. I should be happy for them, but I’m having an incredibly hard time being happy about it. It’s soooo petty and stupid, but I’m jealous. It’s impossible for me to imagine us being able to buy a house any time soon, even if we didn’t have to contend with things like the military moving us around. I’m still a student and we’re living on one income and things have been tight. By the time you’re in your thirties you’re supposed to at least be able to consider buying a house, right? Even more petty, and I’m hesitant to say this because the wife reads this blog, is that I’m jealous that they are able to do this despite being younger than us. I know it’s silly and everyone’s life paths are different and blah blah blah. I feel like a failure.
Oddly enough weddings are tough right now too. And I LOVE weddings. There is just something so special about seeing two people commit their lives to each other. But what’s tough is seeing these couples on the edge of so many possibilities, knowing that one of those is babies. The couple whose wedding we attended a couple of weeks ago is hitting a lot of nerves right now. They are around our age but own a house. They went to Hawaii for their honeymoon, we went an hour away for 3 days the first time and after Wedding 2.0 we spent a week at a beach house with my husband’s mom, her now husband, and his daughter (who was like 6 months pregnant) and her husband. And we were only able to do that because my mother-in-law and her husband paid for basically all of it. When we first got married we talked about going on a Mediterranean cruise as a late honeymoon. Now I can’t imagine ever in our lives being able to do that. The couple who just got married was talking about how they might come visit us sometime soon because they want to travel around a bunch before they start to have kids. That right there stung. We never got to do any of that. Maybe we’ll never get pregnant and we can spend the rest of our lives traveling. Or we have kids and we are blessed with kids but never go anywhere.
Images of people traveling. Tales of great jobs. Photos from late nights partying. Adventures moving to other countries. It is as though everyone else is out living wonderful lives except me. School stresses me out more than anyone I know. I have almost no social life. I don’t have a job. And I don’t even have kids to blame it all on.
I have wasted so much of my life. I am continuing to waste so much of my life. Everything everyone else does stings. It’s not fair to the people I love that I feel this way. But I do.