State of Mind

I know, I said I wasn’t going to be posting. But I feel like if I don’t get this stuff out of my brain and onto the page it’s just going to drag me deeper into the muck of depression.

But before I get there, let’s talk about New York. It was great. It was also exhausting. I am reminded that my husband and I are no longer spring chickens and we both have physical issues that make long days on our feet extra challenging. No lectures on how we’re going to manage to chase a kid please, we will cross that bridge when we get to it. The best part of the trip was getting to spend time with the other couple we were staying with. The wife is one of my husband’s best friends, they went to college together and actually dated briefly during that time, and have remained close. She and her husband live on the other side of the country and we pretty much never get to see them. In fact, the last time we saw them was their wedding and the time before that was our wedding which was when we first met her now husband. So suddenly being together in a small NYC apartment for 6 days was pretty intense. But there was an instant comfort level, which is good because to get to the second bedroom one had to walk through the master so privacy was not really a thing.

I was lucky that I didn’t have much homework to deal with during Spring Break so I pretty much didn’t think about school the entire trip, which was wonderful. Just not having that stress was huge. I tried not thinking too much about the infertility stuff but that didn’t totally happen. I talked about it with our friends quite a bit actually, in part because there was an awful lot of alcohol flowing on the trip and drinking can make me confess-y. I found out some things about the woman. She is Air National Guard and about to leave for a deployment. Although they’ve only been married since September she and her husband have been together for several years. I knew all that. But I learned that when she gets back from the deployment they will probably start trying to have kids partly because she’s worried it won’t be easy. It seems her mom had infertility and took something like seven years to get pregnant with each of her two daughters. So my friend is worried that something like that will happen to her. I told her that I hope it doesn’t but if she ever wants to talk about that stuff I’m here. I got the feeling she appreciated that.

The timing of the trip with my cycle worked out pretty well. I was at the end of my period when it started and just starting to take OPKs at the end. We didn’t have to worry about scheduled sex but did manage to get some private time in despite the weird bedroom situation.

Speaking of my cycle, I have no idea if we hit my fertile window this cycle or not. We had sex the day I had a positive OPK but then I was feeling very ovulation symptom-y two days later when we were scheduled to have sex again but it didn’t happen. Those of you on Twitter know that I got pretty pissed at my husband that night, but the truth is I was super depressed that day myself and it would have been difficult to make sexy time happen. But I wanted to at least try. Oh well. Nothing we can do about it now. We are continuing our every other day sexy time until cycle day 20 as directed. Whatever happens happens, right?

About the depression, it’s been really bad. I’m not sure where it’s coming from. Some of it is certainly from the sense of overwhelm that I have with school. I have so much to do in the second half of this semester and then I freaking graduate which is insane. There was a long time when I was certain this day would never come. It’s also been a struggle trying to balance the rest of life with school stuff. For instance I need to get my car repaired. There’s a hole in the muffler and I am due for an emissions test and I can’t imagine passing with a hole in the muffler. But I’ve been so busy and stressed that doing that has felt impossible but now I’m running out of time. Also I still haven’t gotten rid of my old car that died. It’s just sitting parked outside taking up a parking space and making me feel guilty every time I see it. I haven’t dealt with it in part because of sheer laziness but also because I have a weird emotional attachment to the car I drove for 15 years. I feel like I need a scheduler to come tell me exactly when I need to do all these things. Don’t get me started on doctor’s and dentist appointments. Those will likely not happen until after graduation. But the depression, oh the depression. It was so bad on Thursday morning that I emailed a friend to get the info to call and make an appointment with the people who do confidential counseling on base. Because I just need to talk to someone and soon. Although I’m also not excited about fitting that into my schedule. And as I said on Twitter, if these Femara cycles don’t work I’m going to make an appointment with my psychiatrist to go back on Zoloft. Especially if the next step for us is IUI. I don’t think I could handle it otherwise.

Jumping back to the New York trip, one thing that I kept thinking about is how it was something we absolutely couldn’t do if we had a kid. And something we probably wouldn’t have done if I were pregnant because of the expense. So it was really nice to take advantage of the opportunity now. I’m trying to focus more on these kind of things that married people without kids do, because like all the annoying fertiles always say, we should do it now before we have kids and can’t. I hate hearing that, mostly because it usually feels like it comes from a place of jealousy of our “freedom” but it’s not exactly untrue. There are definite advantages to not having kids, even more so after I graduate and we become a DINK (dual income no kids) couple assuming I find some sort of work. I still want the kids, but for now at least we can take advantage of what we have without them.

Now that I’ve written all this I should probably get off my ass and be productive. I have no idea when you’ll hear from me again, unless it’s on Twitter where I can’t seem to shut up.

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2 comments

  1. I like that I get to see you on Twitter 🙂 Depression started for me when I was a teenager and has popped up at every single major change in my life (high school graduation, college graduation, the end of teaching EVERY summer, Winter holidays for good measure, and attached to me like an antibiotic resistant case of gonorrhea for years after my mom died, as well as after I finished grad school, moved away from friends and family, and married my husband in the same 6 months.) It sounds like you are at a major life change – getting your degree that you have worked long and hard for – I think it makes sense that there is some anxiety and potential fear there (what if I can’t get a job? what now? kind of stuff.) When I am going through it – I procrastinate about everything and can’t even pick up the phone when it rings and it takes weeks to listen to the voicemail if someone leaves one. I am not meaning to go on and on about myself other than to say – this shit is hard to deal with and you are dealing – and will come out on the other side of it. I have also been trying to be more appreciative about the time I have had with my husband without kids. We needed the last 3 years to figure some stuff out. Here is to a weekend when the depression eases the hell up and the personal growth calms the eff down. Thinking about you. Hugs and love!

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