A River In Egypt

*Warning* Pregnancy related post ahead.

The truth is that I’m in denial that I’m pregnant. I’m being good, following the rules for what I am supposed to eat or avoid, what medications are safe. All that shit. But deep down inside, I don’t believe it. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. I keep cataloging all the people I’m going to have to un-tell about the pregnancy. This week my mom is out of town. So now when I run the scenario in my head for what happens when I start bleeding and I have to go to the ER and my hubby can’t drive me, I literally don’t know who else to ask. My sister I guess?

I haven’t been doing my homework. I still haven’t scheduled my anatomy scan or called the social work clinic (obviously there’s a need for that). I haven’t been reading the little book the hospital gave me or taking notes in it or recording anything about the pregnancy like the shitty apps I downloaded tell me to. I haven’t been reading the one other pregnancy book I own.

I’m nearly in the second trimester and I am completely unprepared. Part of me is saying that I have 28 weeks left to deal with everything. Part of me is saying but I’ve already let a third of the time pass without doing anything! Except I bought a shirt for the cat. It’s fucking adorable. He hates it.

And then something happens like I read a story about someone who lost a pregnancy around this time and I become convinced that this is already over. In the past couple of days my symptoms have really subsided in many ways, which of course could be a result of being nearly out of the first tri, but I’ve convinced myself that it’s just going to be a loss. Like, don’t get too attached to this baby because you never know when it will all be over.

My next appointment is the group thing and I’m not even sure I’ll get a scan (hopefully at least a Doppler?). I’m terrified of finding out the baby has died while in a room with other pregnant women. Luckily it appears that my husband will be there with me for this appointment. So that helps. A little.

I’ve been avoiding talking about the pregnancy on Twitter for the past few days in part because of all the difficulty so many are having with so many of us pregnant, but also because I don’t know how to talk about all this in 140 characters or less. I don’t know how to talk about this at all really.

I completely lost it tonight. I hit the wall of ‘can’t take care of everyone else anymore, why can’t someone take care of me?’ and I hit it hard. My husband was there to pick up the pieces but it was not fun. With my mom out of town I’m also responsible for helping take care of my dad. He will be 80 in November, he’s a diabetic amputee (all his toes and about half of one foot, one toe on the other foot), and he can go through bouts of depression especially when he’s home alone all day every day. So my sister and I are taking turns visiting him and taking him places and we’re calling and chatting with him at least once every day. But it just adds to my already overwhelmed burden right now. But he’s my daddy and I would do absolutely anything for him.

I really need to call the social work clinic tomorrow. I told hubby to help me remember. I need to make an appointment and get in and talk to someone asap. And I probably need to be back on medication too. The depression lately has been no joke.

And all that is what I haven’t been saying.

// //

5 comments

  1. I have times of being in denial too, like maybe I am just really bloated. I keep trying to make a mental and emotional connection with the babies. The thing is – is that they are doing fine whether I think of them as muppets or as my future babies and maybe I should just let them and my body do its thing. What is most important is that we take good care of ourselves now, nurture ourselves. Hope you are able to call and make an appt to talk with someone tomorrow and looking forward to getting together soon.

  2. Everyone copes in a different way. There’s nothing wrong with a little denial. And all those pregnancy books? Honestly, they piss me off, especially What to Expect. I finally stopped reading it and now I just use it to look up specific things. But even then, the answer is usually shallow in a “no duh!” sort of way. When you’re ready to read a decent pregnancy book, I highly recommend Expecting Better. I hope talking to someone helps you. But don’t be too hard on yourself. Everything you’re feeling is normal. ((hugs))

  3. I’m not sure that denial isn’t normal for those in the IF community. I think a lot of it is PTSD honestly. I read the apps, I can’t be bothered with a book… I take my prenatals but I haven’t even called my insurance company yet (i’m pretty sure I’m supposed to). I bought a pack of 3 little grey and yellow onsies and then promptly buried them at the bottom of a drawer so I wouldn’t have to see them.

    Part of me thinks the denial is an attempt to not temp fate to come along and fuck things up like she’s prone to do.

    Everytime I go in for a scan I feel like someone is going to jump out of the bathroom and yell “surprise, you’re not pregnant, this was a prank” and then wrap me in a straight jacket and lock me up.

    If you need to chat, I’m around. Maybe we should start a group message or something that’s a safe space to be scared out of our minds and in denial?

  4. I think the first trimester, and even into the 2nd, is a really tough time. You cling to these symptoms that honestly make you feel like crap, but when they are gone it’s anxiety central. Don’t pressure yourself to do all the “normal” pregnancy things just yet. You have time! I didn’t really feel pregnant until 18 weeks or so and mostly because that’s when I started to show in an obvious way. Being able to feel the baby made my connection SO much stronger. Hang in there, it’ll get better.

  5. Yes, completely, exactly. I keep planning on who to call at work tomorrow if I need to go back to the hospital and how long they’ll let me be out and I HATE that my brain is doing this to me and I’m kind of relieved it’s not just me, though of course I wish neither of us had to put up with our asshole brains tormenting us with this pessimism.

    Thanks for making me feel more normal. I hope we keep giving ourselves reasons to keep hope alive.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s