One Day At a Time

Yesterday we had our heartbeat ultrasound. I was terrified. I didn’t sleep hardly at all the night before. I woke up cranky and irrationally angry. My husband didn’t understand why I was so upset at first. He was so confident everything was going to be okay.

And it was. Blobby has a heartbeat, 160 bpm. We got to see and hear it. S/he’s measuring right along perfectly. I was 7w3d by last menstrual period and s/he measured 7w5d. The doctor was great and we didn’t have a room full of interns this time. The doc called hubby “dad” which made him light up. I’m so glad he was able to be at that appointment. And they gave us copies of a couple of the ultrasound photos to take home for the first time. I sent scans to my parents and my mother-in-law who were all thrilled to see them.

And I have graduated from the Acute Care Clinic to the regular OB. Next week I go in for the four hour hospital OB orientation. They are treating me like a regular pregnant woman now.

Tomorrow my husband has his foot surgery. I am pretty stressed about taking care of him during the recovery period. He will be home, on the couch pretty much, for a month. I’ll be doing everything for him. I’ve done it before but not while pregnant. My energy has been so low, I’m scared about having enough. I actually asked people on Facebook for help with meals, which I don’t normally do. But I couldn’t say it was because I’m pregnant so not surprisingly I have gotten very little response. But any help is greatly appreciated. And my mother-in-law is coming back out for a few days next weekend to help too.

My new big goal is to work on my fitness. Obviously I can’t go crazy but I need to be a bit more active. There is a small pond in our housing complex with a path around it. I have no idea how long the walk is but it’s a decent little walk. I figure if I make at least one loop around every day that will be really good for me. And when the weather is good and I feel up to it, two or three loops would be great. I have yet to break out the prenatal yoga DVD that I bought during optimistic times, but I have a feeling my MIL will be having me do some yoga when she’s here. I want a healthy pregnancy and I want to be healthy when this baby gets here. Now that I’m actually starting to believe this baby is really going to be here one day.

#YesAllWomen

I was actually planning on writing about something infertility related today but I got sidetracked. By which I mean I let myself start down the rabbit hole of looking up my ex online and I ended up unexpectedly finding his personal blog and then all sorts of triggers happened.

If you are still at this point unfamiliar with the #YesAllWomen hashtag and the events that started it, look it up. I don’t have the energy to fill you in. Since it all began I’ve been going back and forth about adding my voice to the conversation. I didn’t post on Twitter because my account is private and the only people who would be able to see it are my friends and I didn’t feel like that would add anything. I’ve thought about blogging about it but I wasn’t sure what to say. I’ve never been sexually assaulted but I could tell you a whole host of stories about street harassment and the things I do to protect myself every day. I thought about telling the story about the guy I was having casual, “friends with benefits” sex with who got mad at me because I wouldn’t be his girlfriend. But he was still willing to overlook that in order to have sex with me.

But ultimately the story that is most important is that of my ex-boyfriend and the emotional and sexual abuse. The story is a long one, from the time we first had a conversation online to the last communication I ever had with him spans nearly seven years, so I won’t (can’t) tell you the full story. Instead I will hit some bullet points and then explain why I’m sharing this today. And yes, this is potentially triggering.

  • I lost my virginity to him as a naive 21-year-old.
  • Although we were having sex he refused to be my boyfriend. He told me he didn’t have time for a girlfriend. Then he started dating someone else.
  • While he was dating her we tried to remain friends. I was suicidal at one point. His girlfriend knew and took the opportunity to tell one of my professors.
  • At one point he stopped talking to me for a month because I had continued talking to a guy he told me to stay away from and then lied to him about it. At that point several people tried to warn me about how controlling he was. I refused to hear it and defended it as him looking out for me.
  • He moved across the country for work at a time when I had gotten kicked out of school and didn’t know what to do with my life, so I followed him. He still refused to consider himself my boyfriend for months.
  • We moved in together after a few months mostly because we were both having roommate issues and it was convenient. Even after we moved in together he didn’t tell his dad we were dating or that I was even in the same city for a long time because his dad thought I was a bad influence.
  • He was an alcoholic who mostly worked from home. I was unemployed off and on for probably most of our relationship. We spent most of our time together in one shared bedroom of a two-bedroom apartment that we shared with another roommate.
  • He told me once not to change my clothes in front of him unless I was prepared to have sex because he could not control his urges when he saw my body.
  • I was having problems with pain during intercourse. If we stopped having penetrative intercourse because of pain or panic attacks or crying, I was still expected to actively participate in making sure he still had his orgasm some other way. I hated it but I thought that was what I was supposed to do as a girlfriend.
  • Around the time we moved in together he finally acknowledged me as his girlfriend. We counted the relationship as started when I moved out there. We were together for five years and living together for more than four of them.
  • Despite all that time together there was never any serious talk about moving the relationship beyond what it was. Any discussion of marriage was a joke for him.
  • Because of the pain issue sex was usually a short event. He told me I was making him a bad lover because he couldn’t last as long any more. Because obviously at some point we would not be together and he would have to please another woman and I had ruined him for that. He didn’t actually say that last part but that was the very clear subtext.
  • Despite these last two (and the fact that he spent over a year stringing me along before actually becoming my boyfriend) he claimed surprise after we broke up and I told him that I never felt confident that he wanted to be with me forever.
  • He was obsessed with porn, although less video and more magazines. At one point the room we shared had at least a half dozen centerfold posters of naked women on the walls.
  • He was image obsessed and constantly critiqued what I wore and how I presented myself. If he had his way I would always be wearing a skirt/dress, heels, makeup, jewelry, and perfume. Always. Even though that was basically the opposite of how I was comfortable.
  • I was criticized for not wearing sexy enough pajamas. I went out of my way to fix that.
  • As I’ve mentioned, the relationship ended because I cheated on him. Without getting into all my reasons for that, one thing he told me after he found out was that he was especially upset because he was no longer the only person I’d ever had sex with. I was no longer pure.
  • After the breakup he told me he had been planning to take me on a surprise trip and give me a ring. There was no reason to tell me that at that point other than to hurt me.
  • It’s been over five years since we broke up and despite all of this I still have trouble seeing him as anything but a “nice guy.”

What does this have to do with #YesAllWomen? Well, for one, I think it’s pretty clear that he saw me primarily as a sexual object, not a person. And because of the culture in which we live I believed that was what I was, that that was all I deserved. I gave him sex and he was my boyfriend. Isn’t that how the exchange is supposed to go? Women exchange sex for love, men exchange love for sex? Except it’s not really love in these situations. Don’t get me wrong. I wouldn’t have stayed with him for so long if there wasn’t some love there, on both sides. But just because he cared about me doesn’t make the control, the manipulations, or the abuse okay. Let me be very clear: I was not a total innocent in this relationship. I made a lot of mistakes and even beyond the cheating there is much that I wish I could take back. But again, that doesn’t make his actions okay.

When men are taught to see women as objects they see them as that. They treat them as objects. When women are taught that men will only ever see them as objects they learn to accept that treatment. The misogyny in this culture is so normalized that even someone like me raised by a proud second wave feminist to be a strong, independent woman still can end up in a relationship like this. I thought it was normal. I thought it was just how relationships, and men, were. It really wasn’t until I met my husband that I realized that something different was really possible. It’s true, #NotAllMen are like my ex, but it’s also true that #YesAllWomen experience everyday misogyny, whether within a relationship, on the street, at work, or in other settings. It can take considerable effort to be conscious of and aware that these things happening all the time are not okay.

I’m lucky that I found my husband. I’m lucky that he is an ally. I am confident that whatever sex this embryo is, whatever gender the child identifies as, my husband and I will raise him or her to fight for the rights of #YesAllWomen.

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Blobby

I’m just going to get this out of the way from the start. I am six weeks pregnant. Actually six weeks + three days going by my last period.

I haven’t written about it here for a few reasons. The biggest being that we were waiting until we told our families. A couple family members know about the blog and it would be irresponsible and frankly cruel for them to find out here. I’ve also been stupid busy. I graduated this past weekend. My mother-in-law was in town staying with us and one of my aunts is in town staying with my parents. I have had very little down time to sit and write (or read, still catching up).

I have about a million feelings about this pregnancy. I actually ended up in the ER a couple days after the first positive test. I was having a lot of cramping and that morning I started spotting a little. The symptoms were so similar to the ectopic that I freaked out and went in to the ER because the RE clinic wasn’t returning my calls. But it was crazy early (I was something like 3w3d) and so the ER really couldn’t tell us much. The RE clinic, when I finally got them on the phone that night, said it was probably implantation.

I’ve had two ultrasounds now and we know there is a pregnancy in the uterus. The first doctor was still concerned about the possibility of a second pregnancy in the tubes, but the second doctor was not. However the second doctor was awful so her lack of concern wasn’t exactly comforting.

The main things I am feeling are: overjoyed, guilty, and terrified. They are all probably self-explanatory but I’ll break them down for you anyway.

Overjoyed. Duh. I’m pregnant. We know it’s in the uterus, not the tubes. At our ultrasound next week we should get to see/hear a heartbeat. Our family is, for the most part, really happy for us. My mother-in-law’s joy and optimism were contagious while she was here. My husband is so freaking thrilled he wants to tell way more people than I’m prepared to tell yet. He has christened the embryo “Blobby” after I tried to explain what the yolk sac looked like after the first ultrasound. We are so much further than we ever got last summer, it’s hard not to feel hopeful that this good luck will continue.

Guilty. I think most of the women in the infertility community who I know who have gotten pregnant have dealt with guilt for the pregnancy alone. I’m feeling extra guilt on top because this was relatively so easy for us. We just used Femara and did timed intercourse. I feel so incredibly lucky. I won’t even get into how lucky I am about the money part too. It’s so hard to see so many amazing, deserving women and men in the community who are having no luck at all. Every canceled cycle, failed treatment, or god-forbid loss breaks my heart. I’m at a loss for what to say to people. How do I say my heart is breaking for them and have it be sincere when I know that I have inside me right now what they want more than anything? People keep telling me not to feel guilty. And I get it (aside from the whole don’t tell me how to feel thing), but that doesn’t change anything. I know people are happy for me and wishing me good things as I have done with so many others. I just wish I could take whatever magical unicorn dust got me here and spread it around.

Terrified. Like I said, we are so much further along than we ever got a chance to be last summer. But it’s still early. I’m still waiting for the other shoe to drop. I was telling my mother-in-law that one of the difficult things about this community is that I have heard so many stories of loss. It’s hard to feel confident in any pregnancy when I know how easily it can all be taken away. My hope increases every day but I really do have to take this thing one day at at time.

The other big issue has been the pregnancy side-effects (symptoms doesn’t seem right when I know for sure I’m pregnant). I have been having a really difficult time with “morning sickness” that has been more like all-day sickness. I haven’t actually vomited, thankfully, but I feel nauseous all day long. It’s exhausting. I had no idea it would be this hard. Which sounds naive and crazy, maybe. But damn. I’ll still take this over not being pregnant in a heartbeat. And people keep pointing out that it’s a good sign. I refuse to complain about it on Twitter because I know how hard that is to hear. So my husband bears the brunt of my pain and whining.

The internship I was hoping to do this summer isn’t going to work out in the way I had hoped because of the pregnancy but they are still trying to find ways for me to come into the studio and be around my fellow artists and such, so I greatly appreciate that. My husband is having surgery on his foot next week so I’ll be highly distracted by taking care of him for a while too.

In the meantime I’ve been thinking a lot about what to do about this blog. I want to keep blogging but it feels weird blogging under this name while pregnant and even weirder if I become a parent. So chances are I will start another blog in a few weeks where I will blog about pregnancy, birth, and parenting after infertility. I will absolutely not forget where I came from. Said blog will also likely be more personal, with names and photos. It will also probably be something I’ll share with friends and family, so less raw honesty. When I set it up I will let you all know so you can decide if you want to follow me there. I fully expect most of you won’t and that is totally okay. I get it. In the meantime here is my promise to you. When it comes to this blog I will never post: ultrasound photos, bump photos, pics of any sort of baby items, or lengthy complaints about side-effects. I’m also not going to post the whole weekly breakdown thing, because honestly, nobody really cares about that stuff. I will talk about the pregnancy. I probably won’t post very often. And I will absolutely keep reading and commenting and thinking of all of you.

Unicorn dust for everyone!

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Liebster

I’m way behind on posting thanks to finals and graduation. I thought I would play a bit of catch up today and respond to a recent nomination for a Liebster Award. Maverick In Vertigo was kind enough to nominate me even though I don’t technically “qualify” anymore. Thank you, I’m honored.

I honestly don’t have the energy to nominate others and ask questions. Sorry. So I’m not going to go through the whole process of explaining the award. I might be a terrible person.

I am however, going to answer her questions. And if you have not been nominated and you’re reading this, consider yourself nominated and her questions as mine. Or not, you do you.

1. Tell me about where you live. You don’t have to specifically state the place, if you don’t want to… but tell me what you like and don’t like about it. What are some of your favorite things to do there?

This is a really tough one to answer without actually telling you where I live. I live in a suburb of a big city on the east coast. Actually, right now I live pretty much equidistant from three different big cities, but one is bigger than the other two. I love the big, big city. I grew up just outside it and took public transportation into it as a teenager. There are a million things to do there. And the food is great. I love that I have so many fantastic food options. I hate the traffic. We are consistently in the top 5 (often top 3) cities for shitty traffic stuff. It wasn’t this bad when I was growing up. I’m also not a big fan of the weather. Humidity and I are not friends. I love this place and in many ways it’s home but now that I’m graduating I’m ready for the military to send us somewhere new.

2. What is something that you are really in to, that most people wouldn’t expect you to be?

I don’t know that I’m “really into” anything right now. Um, oh, I know! I am really interested in true crime. I prefer reading about it but will totally watch awful tv shows and movies about it too. My husband jokes that I’m going to murder him some day. I’m not. I just find it fascinating, not sure why.

3. Do you have any “issues” that you are passionate about?

Besides infertility? I’ve always been very passionate about the environment. I am also passionate about women’s issues. I know not everyone in the IF community agrees but I am firmly, passionately pro-choice.

4. What always seems to cheer you up or get you through a hard when nothing else can?

My husband. I swear he can always make me laugh.

5. What advice/worlds of wisdom would you offer someone confiding in you about going through IF?

Take it one day at a time. Don’t think too far ahead or you’ll psych yourself out. Connect with others who understand. Eat ice cream (unless you’re allergic to dairy or diabetic).

6. If there was one thing about the IF process that you could magically make the muggle population understand, what would it be?

Not every infertility story ends with a baby/child. Telling people that they *will* have a baby/child one way or another can be deeply painful.

7. Do you have any superstitions, rituals, good luck charms, etc, that you rely on when undergoing IF treatments?

Nope. Just not how I roll. But I love the sock ritual so many ladies have. Except in summer because I always wear sandals because shoes are prisons for my feet.

Okay, now you all know a little bit more about me. Thanks again for the nomination!

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Mothers

Tomorrow is Mother’s Day here in the US. And despite my feelings about the holiday as an infertile, I’m keep thinking how lucky I am when it comes to my own mom. My mom isn’t perfect, of course, but she is loving and supportive and she tries really hard. It breaks my heart to see so many others in this community who either have lost their moms, have extremely difficult relationships with their moms unrelated to infertility, or who don’t have the support of their moms that they need in this journey. It sucks. I wish I could share my mommy with you all. Honestly even with my infertility itself I often feel I am a super lucky one here. I read about you all experiencing fraught relationships with family, friends, co-workers and it just hasn’t been my experience. Of course I could also get into the whole woe is me story about my lack of close friends to begin with, but that’s not the point here. Anyway, I’m lucky. I thought in honor of the holiday tomorrow I would share an email message my mom sent me and my sister last year that still makes me tear up. I don’t know what I did to deserve this kind of love.

Before Mothers Day, with its tributes to all varieties of mothers — birth, adoptive, mothers-in-law, mentor mothers, foster mothers, and so on, fades too much into the haze of everyday life, I want to write a special message to my wonderful, beautiful, accomplished daughters.  This is hard to write and won’t say perfectly what I want to say but it comes from the heart with lots of love.

It is my daughters who have taught and continue to teach me how to be a mother.  I gave birth to you, but you have taught me about unconditional love and what it takes to be a mother.  You have shown me that it’s okay to not be perfect.  That a person can make mistakes and still be loved.  That “breaking the rules” doesn’t need to break a relationship and that some rules shouldn’t be rules at all.  You bring joy and smiles to my life just by being yourselves.   Every opportunity to see you, talk with you, read a message from you lifts my heart.  Seeing how you spread caring and support around you makes me proud and happy.

Thank you for being my loving and loved daughters.

Mom

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Bitches Be Crazy

I’m taking a break from my school work and infertility stress to have some fun. I’m taking a page from The Bloggess and posting some of the interesting search terms that have led to my blog. Of course, I have way less traffic than she does so these are not just recent but from all the terms since I’ve had the blog.

i am her bitch
This is the most common search term. I have a feeling these people are not looking for an infertility blog.

we girl panties
I can’t figure out how all three words fit together. Please tell me they weren’t trying to find “wee girl panties”

infertility sexn fuck
Fuck infertility sex? Infertility sex AND fuck? I don’t understand. Still my all time favorite though.

selfish fertile bitches
Enough said.

i am just conceived can i journey?
OMG science is amazing. These rapidly dividing cells are googling from inside a uterus! Can you journey? Maybe wait 9 months, then journey out that vagina like a boss.

my vagina itch more at night
I’m sorry. Maybe see a doctor? Dr. Google always diagnoses cancer. Always.

im a bitch to my husband when im on clomid
You’re not alone.

bitch does not conceive
I have a feeling this one is looking for information about dog breeding, but I could be wrong.

fucking timings to prevent pregnancy
Wrong place, move along now.

prgancy bitch lady fuck docter
I don’t know who the bitch is here, the doctor? The lady? The pregnant woman? Are they all one person? Fuck.

sick of hearing about fertility awareness
Then why did you click the link to my blog? Seriously. Dumbass.

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Not a Real Post

It’s the last week of classes and I am losing my damn mind.

I had a really, exceedingly difficult day yesterday. I promise to share more about it later, but not now.

After struggling just to get through today I was hit with more fucking last minute work from one of my professors tonight.

I have a presentation for a class tomorrow that I have done like, zero research for. And I can’t seem to bring myself to start. It’s bizarro world here.

I am exhausted and emotionally overwhelmed and considering just going to bed now and getting up at 6am to work on the presentation.

Basically I’m fucked.

And that is why I haven’t been keeping up with things here.

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Performing Infertility – Teaser Post

I realized today that those of you who only follow the blog have no idea what I did yesterday. Yesterday I did a performance art piece on campus about infertility. I wrote out (a simplified version of) my fertility chart in chalk and then erased it with water. 27 times. It took about two hours. I haven’t even watched the video yet. I want to write more about it here but I really should be doing things like homework and grocery shopping. So I’ll give you a quick preview. I have some photos but I’m only posting those here that don’t have my face. Lucky for you my favorite photo doesn’t have it! So here it is.

DSC_0118

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NIAW Wrap Up

I thought I’d share with you all the posts and links I’ve been sharing all week on Facebook.

Sunday April 20
Today marks the start of National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW). Infertility affects approximately 7.3 million people in the US alone. I am one of them. I’ll be sharing a little of my story throughout the week along with some outside resources. But it’s Easter so I thought I’d start with cats. Because cats.
http://www.buzzfeed.com/flopsie/infertility-explained-by-33-impossibly-adorable-ca-n33f

Monday April 21
Today for National Infertility Awareness Week I’m sharing some great info on infertility etiquette. I’ve heard many of the don’ts, usually from very well-meaning people. I’ve also seen at least a dozen other versions of this list by bloggers. This is a great resource to learn how best to support those with infertility.
http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family–friends/infertility-etiquette.html

Tuesday April 22
Today’s #NIAW post is brought to you by acronyms. Much like the military, the infertility (IF) community loves acronyms. Not everyone gets a diagnosis when they get tested for infertility, many people have “unexplained infertility.” I am one of the lucky ones who at least has a diagnosis: Polycystic Ovary Syndrome or PCOS. PCOS affects different women different ways. For me it means my hormones are wonky and I don’t always ovulate, which obviously impacts fertility. It also means that common tools like ovulation predictor tests (OPKs) don’t necessarily work for me because I have a high baseline level of the hormone (LH) they test for. And PCOS is also linked to insulin resistance and because my father is diabetic I am hyper-aware of this added risk factor to me developing type 2 diabetes. I am also lucky that so far I have not had the issue with weight that many women with PCOS struggle with, although my BMI puts me in the overweight category my doctors don’t consider my weight unhealthy at this point.
http://www.resolve.org/diagnosis-management/infertility-diagnosis/polycystic-ovarian-syndrome.html

Wednesday April 23
Today is hump day so I thought I’d give you a link for #NIAW from a comedy website before shit gets real tomorrow. But I also wanted to talk about taboo and stigma. It’s really significant that sites that Cracked and Buzzfeed are posting about infertility in recent months, because it is a topic that is so often not talked about. I decided to come out about my infertility on Facebook this week because I think we need to break the stigma. We need to be able to have the hard conversations about it. We’ve been trying to conceive for two and a half years and while I’ve spoken with several people one on one I haven’t felt comfortable going public. I am ashamed that my body doesn’t work the way it’s “supposed to.” But like my battles with depression the more I talk about it the more I know I’m not alone and the less shame I feel.
http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-surprisingly-outdated-problems-infertile-couples-face/

Thursday April 24
Let me first get this out there, this post is going to be about loss, so if that’s a trigger for you please go ahead and skip it. I’ve known for a while that it would be important for me to talk about loss during my #NIAW posts. There are a lot of different experiences when it comes to pregnancy loss and infertility. For some couples they have no problem getting pregnant but have been unable to carry to term. For others they go through expensive, invasive treatments, get pregnant, and then suffer a loss. (And some never see a positive pregnancy test and deal with a different grief.) There is no hierarchy of infertility pain. It’s all painful. What some of you know but most of you don’t is that last summer we had a pregnancy loss. The pregnancy was ectopic (tubal) and not viable but I had to take chemotherapy drugs to “resolve” it because of the risk of my tube rupturing. It took about seven weeks to fully resolve. It was, without question, the hardest thing I’ve been through in my life. And feeling like I had to hide it from most people made it even harder. It’s still really difficult to talk about and there is still a lot of grief and guilt and plenty of triggers abound. The link I’m sharing today is the blog of my friend Sarah. Sarah has been through recurrent miscarriage due to genetic abnormalities. She shared this post a couple of weeks ago and I felt like it was a list I almost could have written myself. When I was dealing with the loss, the people who did know wanted to help and I had no idea what to ask for. Now I have this and hopefully I never need it again. But it’s a resource in case any of us know someone going through the pain of pregnancy loss, regardless of their fertility status.
http://one-daybaby.blogspot.com/2014/04/so-do-i-say-sorry-first.html

Friday April 25
Today for #NIAW I’m going to talk about another uncomfortable infertility topic: money. Fertility treatment is expensive. Few insurance plans cover it and when they do they often don’t cover much. We have been lucky. Tricare has covered all the testing and treatment that we have needed up to this point. But they don’t cover everything and we are getting close to the place of having to pay for treatment out of pocket. Yet we are still lucky because [local military hospital] is one of a whopping FIVE military hospitals in the country that subsidizes IUI and IVF as part of their teaching hospital program. Even subsidized, IVF is still not really in the budget for us anytime soon so fingers crossed we don’t get to that point.
Not everyone is so lucky. A single cycle of IVF, which is not guaranteed to work, costs an average of $12,000 out of pocket in the US. How many couples do you know that can afford even one cycle at that price?
The photo I’m sharing here is of me wearing a necklace that a friend of mine custom made for me as part of her efforts to raise money for IVF. You can read more about her story here: http://crowdfundingamiracle.wordpress.com/ And you can order some of her lovely jewelry here: https://www.etsy.com/shop/SoDamnCharming (She’s having a big 50% off sale right now in honor of NIAW, check it out!)

IMG_0217_neck

 

 

 

 

 

Saturday April 26
This is my last post for #NIAW. Thank you for reading, liking, commenting and generally being awesome people. I promise tomorrow I’ll go back to my regularly scheduled bitching about how stressful school is, but I reserve the right to bring the topic of infertility back up at any time.
There are about a million more points I want to make but I’m just going to hit some of the big ones here and now.
-There is this perception among some that infertiles are bitter, jealous, humorless, and angry with the world. And I definitely am sometimes. But that doesn’t mean that I’m not also happy for my friends and family when they are pregnant or that I don’t love their kids. I am and I do. But there is a certain amount of cognitive dissonance in which I am happy for you and sad for me. Read the attached link. I think this blogger does a beautiful job of capturing much of that feeling.
-I do sometimes have to hide some of you from my feed. It’s not personal but every ultrasound pic, baby bump photo, pregnancy symptom complaint, and infant pic is capable of cutting like a knife. I still love you and I’m still happy for you, but sometimes I also have to protect my heart. I still check in on you when I feel strong enough.
-I was so happy this year on April Fools when not only did I not see a single fake pregnancy joke post, but several of you shared this link: http://www.scissortailsilk.com/2014/03/28/the-joke-is-over-why-i-hope-not-to-see-pretend-pregnancy-announcements-on-april-1st/ Those “jokes” are never funny.
-The infertility community is amazeballs. All this time when I haven’t felt comfortable talking to my friends and family about this stuff, I’ve found some seriously incredible friends in my computer who just get it. I wouldn’t have gotten through this time without the support of that community and for that I am crazy grateful. I try to give back to them as much as I can (I spent this morning anxiously awaiting a friend’s test results and Googling what time it was in Hawaii).
-Infertility is a part of me but it’s not all of me.
-I love you all.

http://theunexpectedtrip.wordpress.com/2013/12/31/its-not-envy-its-absence/

In the end I got a pretty good amount of response, especially on the loss post. I’m really glad I did this.

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