existential crisis


My whole life I’ve been told I’m too sensitive. Maybe I am, I dunno, is there such a thing? But that’s not the point.

I had a rather difficult evening and night last night. I was at the thesis show for the honors art program at my school when I found out that a guy I know, who I guess I consider a friend but it’s hard to say it’s not like we communicate outside of seeing each other on campus, had won the art competition I entered a couple of weeks ago. A lot like when friends get pregnant I was struck with immediate strong feelings of happy for him, sad for me. He wasn’t sure who had come in second, I checked my email just in case but it was just a rejection letter. No prize here. I was really disappointed. Way more so than I thought I would be. I hadn’t really expected to win (the piece I entered was figurative and they have never selected figurative work for this prize) but I was crushed. I’ve dealt with loss/rejection of art stuff before. It’s always disappointing, but for some reason this was just really bad. I was so upset I left the show before even getting a chance to say congratulations on the show to the people in the honors program that I know. Then I felt like a selfish dick

After that I had class during which I was upset and distracted the whole time. The whole damn time. I went home and cried a little to my husband and he comforted me and I thought I was better. I went upstairs to get something to eat, pulled out my phone, opened up Facebook, and saw a pregnancy announcement from the couple we went to NYC with. And I lost it. Completely and utterly lost it. Dropped my bag, threw down my phone, collapsed on the floor and started sobbing hysterically. My husband came upstairs thinking I was still upset about the art show loss. We went upstairs to snuggle in bed and I proceeded to have a complete breakdown. All the crying that hasn’t been happening over the past few months came out. Beyond ugly cry. And then I had an existential crisis about art and oh my god what if I’m not good enough, what if this isn’t the right career for me, what if I’ve made the wrong choice again? Which morphed into I’m invisible at school, nobody supports me, nobody acknowledges me or my work except for the one teacher I TA for. I just utterly lost my shit. And my poor husband tried to comfort me but kept saying things that only made it worse.

Eventually I calmed down and decided I would try to sleep. I pulled out my phone wanting to make a quick Facebook post and saw another post from our friend. Apparently the pregnancy post was a joke. The wife was logged into the husband’s account and thought it would be funny to make a post saying they were expecting.

I’m not sure if I was more angry at them/her when I thought it was real or when I learned it was a “prank.”

When I thought it was real I was upset because:
a. They’ve been married all of about seven months.
b. She’s about to go on a deployment and getting pregnant right before would be really irresponsible of her. (I’m assuming it would cancel her deployment?)
c. They didn’t tell my husband and/or I before announcing it on Facebook despite being really close to my hubby and knowing about our infertility struggles.
d. They were either announcing stupid early, like first positive test early, or they were pregnant in NYC and didn’t tell us (although now that I think about it she was drinking a lot so that wouldn’t have made sense, anyway).

When I learned it was fake I was upset because:
a. Fake pregnancy posts are fucking hurtful.
b. They can’t claim ignorance. They knew about our stuff before and she has been liking several of my National Infertility Awareness Week posts this week.

I just don’t understand how she/they could think this joke is okay, especially this week. It’s not okay. It’s not funny. It’s not “just a joke.” It’s hurtful. I’m angry. I don’t know if I should send her a private message or just leave it alone. I’m going to address the issue of fake pregnancy jokes without naming names in my last NIAW post on Saturday. Maybe that will get the point through. Or maybe some people are just so oblivious it will change nothing.

But I am NOT too fucking sensitive about this.

// //