Fatigue and Frustration

So I knew pregnancy fatigue was a thing, but I had no idea how awful it could be. Add onto that the fact that the fatigue got bad around the same time as my husband’s foot surgery and it’s been a very stressful month. I don’t know how you women with full-time jobs do it. Just taking care of me is more than enough but also taking care of him and having so little help means I am overwhelmed 24/7. I’m not sleeping well and when I am sleeping at all it’s from like 1am – 11am, intermittently. I know I said I wasn’t going to complain here but I don’t know what else to do with this feeling.

I’m getting very stressed out about Monday. My husband is supposed to go back to work. Aside from the fact that he is not really ready but his shitty clinic hasn’t even scheduled a follow-up appointment and his leave is up, the surgery was on his right foot and he’s still in a cast so he can’t drive. Which means I will have to drive him to and from work every day. At best it’s about 35 minutes in one direction, at worst it’s over an hour. So that’s 140 – 240 minutes of driving every day, mostly in shitty rush hour traffic. Can you tell I’m a little bitter about it?

I’m mostly mad at his clinic. He should have had a follow-up this week to clear him to return to duty or extend his leave. They also might have taken off the hard cast and switched it to a walking cast. I’d still have to drive him but he’d be more mobile at home. But honestly both he and I agree that he’s not really ready to go back full time right now. He still gets exhausted really quickly. Even on desk duty he’s going to wear out working full days very quickly. Which means he won’t be working efficiently and will be more prone to mistakes. We are hoping his supervisors allow him to work half days for at least the first week. He called today to talk to them about it but the office was closed early for the holiday.

My worst nightmare is him working full-time right away. Because right now he is able to help out a tiny bit around the house. And that helps so very much. But if he’s working all day he’s going to come home fucking exhausted and probably cranky. And after all the driving I’m going to be cranky. And that’s just a recipe for disaster in this house. His supervisors have been really accommodating in general (and he’s crazy lucky to be in a work center where that’s even possible) so I’m crossing my fingers that he can start with half days for a while.

In the meantime I’ve been having a really difficult time eating. It’s not nausea mostly, although sometimes it is. Food just doesn’t appeal to me most of the time. Until it does and I gorge and make myself feel really sick. This is not good for Blobby and I’m trying to keep eating at least something but the energy issue isn’t helping. I am at least taking my prenatal vitamins, so there’s that.

The really big news, however, is that my sister is also pregnant and due in January. I’ve known for a few weeks but she was very private about it so I’ve been keeping it under wraps. I’m so incredibly happy for her and excited about us having kids around the same time. My sis announced her pregnancy on Facebook last night. I was really glad she did, I want to give her some time to get all the love and attention before we announce. If everything goes well at my next appointment on the 17th I want to do it after that.

Unfortunately a relative almost ruined that and basically outed my pregnancy on Facebook. After my sister made her own post, I made a post about her pregnancy. This relative, who has known about me for over a month and probably assumed it was public by now, commented on my post about me being a mother too. Luckily I saw it right after she posted it and deleted it. The only person I know for sure saw it already knew. But she also posted something on my sister’s post that was more vague (about my dad being a grandpa twice close together). That got deleted after a while (not sure if it was her or my sis) and I’m just crossing my fingers nobody noticed. My sister’s post had so many comments (last I saw over 200 likes and over 100 comments) that it probably got lost in the shuffle. But it still makes me nervous and feel out of control. I really didn’t think this was a person I needed to warn about Facebook etiquette where pregnancy is involved and now I’m concerned I need to make sure other relatives know not to say anything about me yet. Sigh. Life on the internet is so complicated.

Dear Husband

I’m a little torn about how I feel when people post online referring to their husband as DH for dear husband. Part of me finds it cute and sweet, but part of me finds it obnoxious. But that’s just sort of how I’ve always been about a lot of things. I’m rarely the decisive type. I tend to operate in shades of grey. Even when I strongly agree with one side of an issue, I can usually understand at least some of the other side. I used to get in epic group therapy fights with a guy who could only see things in black and white terms (oddly the fights also meant we had some intense chemistry and I totally had a little crush on him). These past few weeks with my husband and the stress of moving, finals, and fertility testing have been really eye opening.

Through the course of moving, from packing to physically moving to unpacking to cleaning the old house, I have learned one really big thing. My husband and I approach logistics really, really differently. I’m tempted to say that he sucks at logistics, but I’m not sure that’s entirely the case. I mostly think we do it in two totally different ways. And this has added to the stress. Of course, I already knew to some degree that this was the case, we had just never dealt with something so logistically large and complicated before. I think, and hope, that next time we’ll be able to get to the same page faster. Because we always do, just sometimes the process is long and painful.

At this point we were planning to be totally done at the old house other than turning over the keys on Thursday. I was looking forward to a nice, relaxing long weekend before my summer class starts on Tuesday. Unfortunately that is not how things worked out. We are going to have to spend several hours there cleaning tomorrow and maybe Monday. Tuesday and Wednesday hubby’s back at work so I’m left going to the house in the mornings to finish painting. The stupid housing place gave us a really tiny amount of paint and we blew through it and still didn’t get one full coat on all the walls of the one, tiny room we have to repaint. Because of the holiday they closed early yesterday and won’t be open again until Tuesday. So, it is what it is. So much work to do.

I wouldn’t be so bothered about all the work to do at the old house if it wasn’t for the fact that my mother-in-law is coming here late Thursday night for hubby’s promotion ceremony on Friday. Now that I’m going to have to spend so much time before Thursday finishing things up there, I have very little time here to get the house ready for her. Now, to be fair, she is basically the opposite of the judgmental nobody is good enough for my son monster-in-law stereotype. And she has said repeatedly that she wants to help us unpack and stuff. But I still have a standard for myself that I want to reach before she gets here, because I really do care what she thinks of me. And I want my home to be a place where she is welcome and comfortable. So, I will probably be a stressed out nightmare for the next five days as we do our best to take care of everything.

In the meantime, there is another issue that is getting to me with hubby. He still has not had his semen analysis done. He was planning to have it done this past week while he was off work all week for the move, but he never scheduled it. And he is about to have two very, very busy weeks at work because there’s a big inspection the first week of June which means they are spending this next week really getting ready for it. Which means that he may have a hard time getting time off from work to get the SA done in these next two weeks. And if that’s the case, I’m going to have to reschedule my follow-up appointment which is currently scheduled for the 10th. And I’ve already pushed it back once because of his mom’s visit. I know he’s been under a lot of stress with both work and the move, but the fact that he hasn’t followed through with this when he’s had the information for almost a month is really making me mad. Especially after all the stress of testing that I’ve been through this month. He knows this. I’ve communicated this to him. And at this point there is nothing we can do about it until Tuesday when the clinics open up again anyway. So I’m doing my best to let it go. I have faith that he will make the call on Tuesday and either schedule something before my appointment or let me know that he can’t so I can reschedule.

All that said, he has also been amazing in many ways. He has been supportive when I’ve been depressed. He’s been kind and gentle when I’ve been so sensitive with stress that I can’t speak and don’t want to be touched. He has made me laugh. He even managed to break through a particularly stressful night with some much needed sex. Through it all he is still there beside me, always. We both muddle through in our imperfect ways and we make each other better every day.

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