outsider

The Cool Kids

It’s not you, it’s me.

I have this thing about not being one of the cool kids. I regularly feel excluded from things. And I know this is my issue; that it’s way more about my perception than about anyone actually consciously excluding me. It’s also an issue that has come up pretty much as far back as I can remember.

I could regale you with stories from elementary school, high school, the first college years, and so on, but I don’t think that’s really necessary. I’ll just say that I’ve always had friends but I’ve always felt like I’m on the outside of every group. I was the sort of kid who was friends with both the nerds/geeks and some of the cool kids. And I always felt on the outside of both groups, just sort of orbiting, never fully accepted.

Even now, in the context of school, things are hard. I obviously don’t fit in with the traditional students 10 years younger than me, but I don’t feel like I fit in with the other non-traditional students either. Most of them are much older, or parents, or both. I’m just sort of hanging out in my weird world. Which isn’t to say that I don’t have friends at school. I totally do. Not a ton, but a few and that’s great. But I generally find I have more in common with my professors than my classmates.

I feel similarly about the military spouse community. I’m not a mom. I’m not a young kid who still wants to party before having a family. My hubby and I are several years older than most couples with similar rank to his, yet they all also have kids. I’m a freaking unicorn.

So this brings me to now, to here. I don’t feel like I fit in with the infertility community. I don’t feel like I’m fully accepted, that I’ve been brought into the fold, that the “cool” people like me. Let me be really clear, I’m quite certain this is pretty much entirely in my head. Those of you who read this blog and follow me on Twitter have been lovely and supportive and inclusive. But I still feel left out. And I don’t know why. I don’t know what I’m “doing wrong.”

I have a lot of guilt still about getting pregnant naturally this summer. Even though it ended in what was for me a really traumatic loss, it was a spontaneous pregnancy. I no longer fit into the unable to ever get pregnant club. I don’t fit into the multiple loss club either. I don’t know where I fit. I don’t know why I care.

I’m orbiting again. I don’t know when I’ll ever feel fully accepted anywhere.

Advertisements