parenting

The Hardest Job

If you haven’t yet seen the video about motherhood being the hardest job, don’t watch it if you’re infertile. Just don’t.

You can, however, read this article in which the author takes issue with the video.

I posted that article yesterday on Facebook and pissed off a bunch of moms and was told it was a feminist attack on motherhood. I was not in the headspace yesterday to respond to everyone’s comments but I was this morning. This is what I wrote:

First, before anyone says it, no, I’m not a mom. So no, I can’t make a statement based on my lived experience that motherhood is or is not harder than anything else in my life.
Second, I have no doubt that it’s hard. Like incredibly indescribably hard. I can’t speak for the author but in sharing this article I was in no way trying to imply that it’s not.
I don’t agree with every single thing the author said but I’m not here to parse her words.
I don’t consider parenting, regardless of gender, to be a job because in American society it is not treated as one. There are plenty of arguments to make that it should be, and lots of feminists have made those arguments, but that’s not the point.
I’m not trying to make anyone feel bad about enjoying that video. I would imagine that as a mother seeing something like that would be incredibly reaffirming.
But what I can do is speak to the larger cultural script and my lived experience. There is a cultural script in the 21st century US, at least among middle income married couples, that privileges parenthood and especially motherhood. It is a script that is relentless. And if you are a parent you might not see it, but as someone who is not this script is hurtful.
L, one of the quotes you pulled that you took issue with is what resonated with me more than anything else the author wrote. “And I don’t appreciate messages that seem to build women up while essentially telling them that nothing they can achieve in life matters more than having babies.” Because that right there is my lived experience. That society believes nothing else I do matters because I don’t have kids.
Parenting is a hard and often thankless job, yes. We should all appreciate the sacrifices our parents made for us. But this video is over the top, manipulative, and heavy handed. And it is part of a broader cultural script that hurts those of us who aren’t moms. And I’m sick of hearing it.

// //

Big Girl Panties

The past couple of weeks have required a lot of me putting on my big girl panties and just doing what needs to be done, regardless of how I feel about it. For most people in their thirties, that is probably no big deal, they do it all the time. As someone with an anxiety disorder, I have spent many years of my life not doing what needs to be done because of how I felt. The way I feel after sucking it up beats out the discomfort of whatever I have to do every single time. I’m proud of me right now.

One thing that was a challenge recently was going to a baby shower for my friend and his wife. I am happy for them, but that shit is hard. And to add to the fun there was a problem with our invitation and it got sent back to the woman throwing the shower so I didn’t find out about it until pretty last minute. And it was the day after our big move. Fortunately, the shower itself was mostly just fun. It helps that it was co-ed and my hubby was there with me. It also helped that it wasn’t your stereotypical shower game madness, even before all the trying to conceive business that was never my thing. The hardest part was watching them open gifts. They are having a daughter and all the sweet little girl clothes nearly brought me to tears a few times.

I have to take a minute now and brag about our gift, because I think I did something unique and thoughtful (the gift is from both of us but it was totally my idea). Like I said, we found out last minute and we were moving the day before, so shopping for gifts was pretty much out of the question. Also, a lot of our money is tied up in this move right now until we get the deposit back from the house on base. So, we got them a small gift card for one of the stores where they are registered, but their main gift was something very different. I made little post-birth coupons. They got three coupons:

  1. We will deliver a home cooked meal. We can just drop it off, we can watch their daughter while they eat, or we can eat with them, their choice.
  2. We will come over and do one chore of their choice (laundry, dishes, bathroom cleaning, etc.).
  3. We will babysit one night when they are ready and need a date night.

One upside to having so many friends who are parents and to reading lots of blogs and things related to pregnancy, birth, and parenting is that I hear a lot about what parents of newborns really need, and it’s not stuff. The parents-to-be were very grateful and doing something like that made me feel better being there.

On a less positive note, we still have a ridiculous amount of work to do to be fully moved out of the house on base not to mention unpack and settle in at the new place, another friend announced a pregnancy on Facebook this weekend, and yesterday we were awakened by the neighbor at the new house screaming at one of her kids in what I really, really hope was a fluke incident (before we decided to move here we asked the owners about noise from the neighbors and they said it wasn’t a problem). And now I should really get off the computer and get back to work.

 

Just a quick note to my regular readers: Because of the chaos of the move I have been on WordPress very sporadically lately so I’ve only been reading a little and mostly haven’t been commenting or responding to comments. This makes me feel like a bad blog-friend, but just know that I am still thinking about and rooting for all of you.

// //

Biting My Tongue

I am, obviously, not a parent. However I also have some very strongly held beliefs about parenting as well as about pregnancy and birth. But I keep them to myself. I know that pregnant women and parents are given no shortage of unsolicited advice. Hell, even people who know we’re trying to conceive have given me plenty of advice I never wanted or asked for. In particular when it comes to parenting my belief is that I should keep my mouth shut with two exceptions. 1. If someone asks for my advice or opinion, which is rare with me not having kids, I will give it. 2. If I see abuse it’s my responsibility to report that to the proper authorities.

So I often find myself having to bite my tongue. And then things like today happen and I start to wonder if there are maybe some other times when it would be appropriate for me to speak up. There have been two issues, somewhat related to each other, that have popped up recently where I’ve kept my mouth shut and then later wondered if I should have said something.

Today I was listening to a father tell a story about his son. He mentioned that one time when he picked him up from daycare his son came outside skipping. And telling this story, the father was adamantly repeating what he had told his son: “boys don’t skip!” He kept saying that over and over and I kept getting angrier and angrier. Setting aside the fact that this boy was skipping because he had injured his foot and was in pain, telling a child of any gender that something they are doing is inappropriate just because of their gender makes my blood boil. Gender is a social construct and it is precisely through this kind of reinforcement that it is constructed. And it reminded me of times in the past when I’ve seen parents yell at their sons for crying. They don’t investigate why the child is upset, instead they berate them for the act of crying. Because boys aren’t allowed to cry. I saw a mother shame her son and threaten to take him to his father who would be so very upset that he was crying. Even as a girl there were times when I was told by my father not to cry. I know the effect that had on me. I can only imagine how much more difficult it is for a little boy who hears this message all the time. And we wonder why so many men seem to have difficultly communicating their feelings: because we are parenting our boys not to.

Why is this okay? Why is devaluing our children because of arbitrary gender standards ever okay? Why is it okay for little girls to be tomboys but not for a little boy to play with a doll or fucking skip? I’m not saying we should pressure little boys to act in ways society deems girly. I’m just saying that if that’s how they choose to act, we should let them.

That brings us to the other issue. In the wake of the events in Steubenville, I’ve been reading a lot about consent. I read one article about teaching our kids, from a very early age, about consent. This includes things like teaching them to respect that if someone doesn’t want a hug or kiss from them, they don’t hug or kiss them. Shortly after I read this, I was with some moms and one of them mentioned that her son, who is four, had told his parents that he had kissed three different girls in one week. His dad basically high-fived him for it. His mom started a routine of having him say every day before school that he won’t kiss girls at school. The moms were all giggling about him being a little Casanova. And I was silently worried that this was an important teaching moment that was being missed. This is a child who needs to learn now that kissing girls does not make him a stud and that the reason he shouldn’t kiss girls at school is more than just because his mom says so. One of the other moms mentioned when she and her husband just had a son and he did something like that they thought it was funny, but now that they have girls they do not. There is so much information in that statement about our society and how we treat our kids differently based on their gender. So much.

Gender is, as I said, I societal construct. There is only so much we can do about what kids learn out in the world, but there is so much we can do inside our own homes. If we continue teaching little boys to hide their feelings and encourage them to be affectionate regardless of consent, is it any surprise events like Steubenville happen?

So, all that ranting out,  what is my responsibility? When do I speak up? How? I am not comfortable just letting this particular status quo continue, but as someone who is not herself a parent, what can I do about it?

Getting Back on Topic

Okay, I need to refocus this blog back to its original intent. I do, however, want to take a moment to discuss why my talking about my depression is relevant. I’m going to try to keep this brief so I can actually get to bed at a decent hour tonight. I have a long day tomorrow.

I have thought a lot about how my depression could impact me and my future children. In fact, it was a large part of why I spent most of my 2os not wanting kids. I worried about two things: 1. my ability to care for someone else when it can be so hard to care for myself and 2. passing on a genetic predisposition for depression/anxiety.

Let me address genetics first. Honestly, there are lots of things I would prefer not to pass on to any future children. I am far from genetic perfection. Aside from the mental health issues there are also things like my dad is a diabetic and my mom’s family has a history of breast cancer. But that is part of the chance we take when we choose to have genetic children, that they will inherit these less than ideal things. We also roll the dice that they will inherit the good stuff, like  my intelligence or my husband’s good looks and red hair. If we want children who are biologically ours, we have to take the good and the bad regarding what parts of us they inherit. That’s just life. Like, literally.

As far as being able to care for someone else, well, that’s complicated. Most of the time I am optimistic. I have spent a lot of time in my life taking care of others, though none so dependent on me as a child would be. Trust me, live with a functional alcoholic for five years and you will understand sacrificing your own needs to care for someone else. That said, on the days when I don’t know how to get out of bed, I wonder. I’ve known children of mentally ill parents and to suggest that it doesn’t have an effect would be naive. My own parents both have their problems, but neither as acute as my own.

I also am aware of my own limitations. I stopped taking medication for depression when we started trying to conceive. I thought by now I’d at least be pregnant. I did not think that I would be spending so much time unmedicated in the pursuit of having a child. And realistically, I have many more months to go without medication if we are able to conceive in any way. And I don’t know, because I haven’t looked into it, what medications, if any, I would be able to take while breast feeding, which I plan to do. I knew many years ago that I would probably be on meds for the rest of my life. I’ve (mostly) made my peace with that. It’s scary to be off them for so long without “anything to show for it.” It’s scary not to know how much longer this might continue.

So I trust myself and I don’t. I know that parents find within themselves strengths that they never knew they had before they had children. I believe I will find at least some of that. I also have to be realistic. I am not perfect and never will be. I am going to fuck up my children in some way, every parent does. I just have to do my best, even on days when getting out of bed feels impossible.

Coming Soon

I’ve been thinking about ways to improve this blog. I will likely spend some time during my spring break tinkering with the design more, I haven’t been able to find something I really like yet. But I also want to make some content changes. One of the pieces of advice I’ve heard from other bloggers is that it’s good to have regular features, something that you post on a certain day of the week every week. So I have a couple of ideas.

The first idea, which I’m definitely going to implement starting this week, is Foto Fridays. I’ve been hesitant to post photos because of the whole anonymous side of this blog, but I’m such a visual person that not having a visual component just feels wrong to me. So from now on every Friday I will post at least one photo. They will not have me or my husband or other people in them and I will also probably avoid any easily recognizable places. But you will probably see (a lot of) our cat and other random things, like a pretty sunset or our garden in the spring. I might even include some photos of my artwork. I hope this is something my readers will enjoy.

I’m also thinking about making my thoughts on parenting into a weekly feature, probably on Sundays. I’m not sure about this one because I don’t know if I can really talk about parenting every week, especially because talking about it sometimes just makes me more depressed when I can’t yet put my ideas into practice. So maybe bi-weekly or monthly? I’m still trying to decide on that one.

Those are my only ideas right now. I would like to have at least one more weekly feature but I’m stuck on ideas. I would totally post recipes but I’m trying to keep this blog focused on conception and parenting. So, dear readers, do you have any ideas? Is there anything you would like to hear more of from me, even if it’s not a regular feature? I would love any and all feedback on how to improve this blog. Thanks in advance!

Partnership

One of the things I find most interesting since starting this blog is that some of the posts I’ve gotten the most views/likes/comments/feedback on have been those that are about parenting. This is fascinating considering that for now my thoughts on parenting are purely hypothetical. My husband is sick this weekend and that got me thinking more about a parenting post I’ve had in mind for a while. So here it is.

I don’t know exactly when or why or how I came to this, but for many years I’ve firmly believed that the best relationships are partnerships. I like this word because it implies two things. 1. That the relationship requires work. 2. That it is work you are doing together. I think this becomes even more important when children come into the picture.

One night I was hanging out with some of my mom friends and one of them started talking about how she had to make dinner for her family before leaving for her girl’s night because she couldn’t trust her husband to feed the kids. Others shared stories of leaving their husbands in charge of taking care of, and especially feeding, the children and how these men failed miserably. I made some comment about leaving my husband to fend for himself and was shot down with statements about “wait until you have kids” and “you’ll understand then.” Even setting aside the obvious gender issues here, I was amazed that these women didn’t seem to believe that their husbands were capable of caring for their children alone. That just doesn’t make sense to me.

And then a couple of weeks ago I read this blog in which a mother of five advises other moms, especially new moms, to let go and let the dads handle some of the responsibility. I really wanted to share it on Facebook but I was afraid of offending some of my mom friends. My favorite quote:

Get the hell away from that baby and let Daddy do his messy, sloppy, imperfect, thing.  He’s setting you up to be happier with every mis-hap.  You might actually get a shot at enjoying something once in a while and having one moment’s peace.

I think I get the seduction. Mom typically carries the child for nine months, she often breastfeeds the child for many months or even years, and in the military community where I reside she is often a stay at home mom, especially during the child’s early years. There is a bond there that is unlike any a father will have. It’s easy to assume that mom does know best, after all she is the one home with the kid(s) all day. She knows them. But that doesn’t mean that dad is incapable of being a responsible adult and properly caring for the child alone. Mom didn’t know how to take care of the kid just because she gave birth. She read. She asked questions. She made mistakes. If dads aren’t given the opportunity to do the same, we are crippling them. And we are crippling the moms who are left without that one moment’s peace.

A relationship is a partnership. Parenting is a partnership. It’s work we do together.

The Myth of Super Mom

This post is dedicated to my sister-in-law and loyal reader, she knows who she is. ❤

So, let me preface my talk of super mom by stating that yesterday morning, after a weekend of breakdowns, tears, and panic attacks, I decided I needed to drop one of my classes. The level of stress I was feeling so early was just not sustainable for me. And by making the decision sooner rather than later I save myself another W on my transcript (you should see my transcripts from 10+ years ago, it’s like 75% W’s). I am trying really hard, especially in light of my history, to not beat myself up about this. I know it was the right decision, but it was a really frustrating one to have to make. What’s funny is that one of the biggest issues this creates is that it means I might not be able to graduate in 3 more semesters. But guess what? If I get pregnant anytime before September, that all changes anyway. So whatever. I’m doing what I can.

So what does this have to do with super moms? Well, my sister-in-law pointed out to me the fallacy of super moms. I’ll let her words speak:

People try to look perfect and like they’re doing and having it all but they’re not. They are sacrificing whole parts of themselves and their lives to appear that way. It’s a lie. And no way to live.

And it got me thinking about this lie that we tell ourselves. We think that there are such things as super moms. And many of us aspire to be those people. Yes, there are type-A people who do a lot more than many of the rest of us, but there is always sacrifice. And we often don’t know what that sacrifice is. My sil mentioned a mom she knows who everyone thinks is super mom because she’s super crafty and organizes great play dates and outings, but she also has a nanny and problems in her marriage. I know a mom who works full-time, goes to school online full-time, does volunteer work, and parents her 17 month old. She recently became pregnant with a second and I wasn’t sure if she was superwoman or crazy. Turns out neither, she got pregnant while on birth control. (That some people get pregnant while actively trying not to and others of us can’t seem to at all is a topic for another day.) And now she is going to stop working when her second is born because the cost of daycare for two kids would pretty much cancel out her paycheck. It’s all complicated and we all have to sacrifice somewhere.

In my women’s studies course last semester I wrote a paper about having it all. I talked about the fact that there is no singular definition of having it all for every woman (or man) and that what that looks like changes for an individual throughout their lifetime. Right now, having “it all” for me looks like having a strong marriage to a wonderful, supportive man, doing the best I can in school to finish this degree, and continuing to try to conceive. I had to be honest with myself about what the best I can do in school right now is. But I would rather do well and take a little more time than over-stress myself and end up failing classes, wasting money, and potentially even dropping out.

Right now having it all includes that I don’t exactly know where my life is headed. I hope that we are able to conceive and start a family soon. I look forward to being a really kick-ass, awesome, funny, loving mom who makes sacrifices for her family and for her work. I do not aspire to be super mom, she does not exist.

Too Much?

I haven’t even had a full week of classes and the pain in my stomach is back. I’m having panic attacks regularly and nightmares every night. I’m starting to think I took on too much this semester. But how can that be? Yes I’m taking 16 credits and all but one of my classes are 300 or 400 level, but that’s pretty much to be expected for someone in the second half of their Junior year. It takes 120 credits to graduate, in four years, at two semesters a year, it averages out to 15 credits each semester. I took 15 last semester and I certainly struggled but I managed and got almost all A’s. So why does 16 make me feel like I’m drowning after three days?

What it comes down to is that I don’t know if I can do this. And if I can’t do this, how the fuck am I ever going to be able to raise a child?

// //

Consumption

Trying to conceive has led to me thinking a lot about what kind of mother I want to be. I’ve learned through all my mommy friends how futile it is to say there is anything I won’t do when I’m a parent. We just don’t know what we will do until we are in that situation. However, I think it’s safe and healthy to think about and aspire to be the kind of mom I want to be.

I recently read this really thought provoking blog post about critically consuming media. And while it is does not appear to be the author’s main point, it really got me thinking about how I want to approach discussing media with my children. Which got me thinking about how I want to deal with just consuming media with my children. Which got me thinking about how I consume media and how that has changed and might change in the future.

I have long gravitated towards watching a lot of procedural crime dramas. You know the type: Law & Order, Bones, Criminal Minds, etc. And these shows are filled with violent images. I have become to a certain degree desensitized to these images. It usually takes something pretty provocative to shake me. Today I was watching one of these shows and out of nowhere I got this sense that I just didn’t want to see this stuff. It just felt so unnecessary to expose myself to all this violence for what seemed like no good reason. Yet I didn’t stop watching. I was bothered, but not enough to turn it off. At the same time, as I thought about the idea of someday having a child in this house I thought about not only not directly exposing a child to such images (which seems pretty obvious to me but I’ve seen some parents do otherwise), but also not exposing the child indirectly by exposing myself directly. I thought about how these images affect me and how that could affect my child.

It seems that nearly every day my thoughts about why I want to be parent and how I want to be a parent become more and more clear, even if they aren’t always easy to explain. I was on the phone with a friend tonight trying to explain the why and I couldn’t really, yet she still seemed to understand me. I just hope I am able to take all these ideas and dreams and goals and make them a reality for my husband and me. (And soon.)