sisters

Fatigue and Frustration

So I knew pregnancy fatigue was a thing, but I had no idea how awful it could be. Add onto that the fact that the fatigue got bad around the same time as my husband’s foot surgery and it’s been a very stressful month. I don’t know how you women with full-time jobs do it. Just taking care of me is more than enough but also taking care of him and having so little help means I am overwhelmed 24/7. I’m not sleeping well and when I am sleeping at all it’s from like 1am – 11am, intermittently. I know I said I wasn’t going to complain here but I don’t know what else to do with this feeling.

I’m getting very stressed out about Monday. My husband is supposed to go back to work. Aside from the fact that he is not really ready but his shitty clinic hasn’t even scheduled a follow-up appointment and his leave is up, the surgery was on his right foot and he’s still in a cast so he can’t drive. Which means I will have to drive him to and from work every day. At best it’s about 35 minutes in one direction, at worst it’s over an hour. So that’s 140 – 240 minutes of driving every day, mostly in shitty rush hour traffic. Can you tell I’m a little bitter about it?

I’m mostly mad at his clinic. He should have had a follow-up this week to clear him to return to duty or extend his leave. They also might have taken off the hard cast and switched it to a walking cast. I’d still have to drive him but he’d be more mobile at home. But honestly both he and I agree that he’s not really ready to go back full time right now. He still gets exhausted really quickly. Even on desk duty he’s going to wear out working full days very quickly. Which means he won’t be working efficiently and will be more prone to mistakes. We are hoping his supervisors allow him to work half days for at least the first week. He called today to talk to them about it but the office was closed early for the holiday.

My worst nightmare is him working full-time right away. Because right now he is able to help out a tiny bit around the house. And that helps so very much. But if he’s working all day he’s going to come home fucking exhausted and probably cranky. And after all the driving I’m going to be cranky. And that’s just a recipe for disaster in this house. His supervisors have been really accommodating in general (and he’s crazy lucky to be in a work center where that’s even possible) so I’m crossing my fingers that he can start with half days for a while.

In the meantime I’ve been having a really difficult time eating. It’s not nausea mostly, although sometimes it is. Food just doesn’t appeal to me most of the time. Until it does and I gorge and make myself feel really sick. This is not good for Blobby and I’m trying to keep eating at least something but the energy issue isn’t helping. I am at least taking my prenatal vitamins, so there’s that.

The really big news, however, is that my sister is also pregnant and due in January. I’ve known for a few weeks but she was very private about it so I’ve been keeping it under wraps. I’m so incredibly happy for her and excited about us having kids around the same time. My sis announced her pregnancy on Facebook last night. I was really glad she did, I want to give her some time to get all the love and attention before we announce. If everything goes well at my next appointment on the 17th I want to do it after that.

Unfortunately a relative almost ruined that and basically outed my pregnancy on Facebook. After my sister made her own post, I made a post about her pregnancy. This relative, who has known about me for over a month and probably assumed it was public by now, commented on my post about me being a mother too. Luckily I saw it right after she posted it and deleted it. The only person I know for sure saw it already knew. But she also posted something on my sister’s post that was more vague (about my dad being a grandpa twice close together). That got deleted after a while (not sure if it was her or my sis) and I’m just crossing my fingers nobody noticed. My sister’s post had so many comments (last I saw over 200 likes and over 100 comments) that it probably got lost in the shuffle. But it still makes me nervous and feel out of control. I really didn’t think this was a person I needed to warn about Facebook etiquette where pregnancy is involved and now I’m concerned I need to make sure other relatives know not to say anything about me yet. Sigh. Life on the internet is so complicated.

Families and Flow and Two Whole Years

If you look at my about page I list October 2011 as when we first started trying to conceive. That’s both true and false. We started then but had to take a break because my psychiatrist said I couldn’t get pregnant on the antidepressants I was on. It took me nearly two months to safely ween myself off the Zoloft so it’s more accurate to say that December 2011 was when we began trying. Two years ago (not exactly 24 cycles, thanks PCOS). That year we spent the holidays with my husband’s family and we are doing the same this year. I’m already comparing the two in my head. The hope and excitement I felt two years ago, the stress I fear of seeing his sibling’s kids and the potential of family asking us how things are going.

Speaking of how things are going, my period decided to start today so nope, not pregnant this cycle. I’m not entirely surprised but I am disappointed. I had started to convince myself that the stuff I was feeling couldn’t be PMS because it was too early. But no, my body just decided to have a 26 day cycle this month. Bonus, that means there is no way to get the second saline ultrasound in this cycle. I already called the clinic to see if there was any way they could squeeze me in before the holiday, but there isn’t. And the next weekday after our trip will be day 21. So I went ahead and scheduled an appointment for next cycle. It’s okay if I’m a little early but if my body decides to get back to it’s old habits of 30+ day cycles we might have a problem. Exciting.

In the meantime there are some good things about my cycle starting today. For one my favorite professor is having an end of semester party at a local restaurant and micro-brewery tonight. Now I can enjoy a beer without worrying about if I’m pregnant. The other upside is more complicated. As I’ve mentioned my sister has her own infertility stuff. I won’t talk about it here because it’s her business, but also because she barely talks to me about it. I’ve given her gentle nudges but I don’t want to force the issue. I was hoping that she would be more open after I talked to her about our stuff, but she’s not. Although it ended in loss I suspect my spontaneous pregnancy of this summer may not have helped the situation. Anyway, I bring this all up because I was dreading one thing about possibly being pregnant this cycle. According to my little tracking app my due date would have been the day before my sister’s birthday. And if we did have a positive pregnancy test this weekend, we probably would have told our immediate families during holiday stuff. Can you imagine being infertile and getting the news on Christmas Eve that your sister is due the day before your birthday? Even if that sister has infertility too? I think that would have been too much so I’m terribly glad that we are not in that situation.

For now I should probably get back to work on my final papers. One of them is a research paper on how IVF is portrayed in the media in relation to women. It’s been an interesting project, to say the least. I’m busy with finals and then I have to actually do some Christmas shopping and then we’re going out of town so don’t expect to see too much of me over the next couple of weeks. I’m reading and liking and occasionally commenting. I’m thinking of everyone going through such ups and downs right now. If I don’t post again before, I hope all of you who celebrate have a lovely Christmas.

// //