Telling People

So I recently started making a list of blog topics to write about and this is one that I’ve really wanted to write about for a while. It’s also one of the more difficult because it involves revealing some things that I’m not proud of. So, one of the questions that I’ve had to ask myself a lot lately is who do I talk to about trying to conceive? This spans everything from how do I answer questions about having kids/wanting kids/trying for kids, telling people about my blog, or just telling people what’s going on. I have found if I tell people that we’ve been trying without success (especially without any detail because I don’t know them well enough) I hear some of the things on my do not say list. But what about the people I am close to?

I have a confession. I have not spoken to my mother or my sister about what’s going on. My mother knows that we’ve been trying, but that’s all. I haven’t even told my sister that much. Here are two women who should be the closest women in my life, who I love so very dearly, and who I want to talk to about all this. Yet I’m terrified of doing so. With my mom, it’s mostly because if I start talking to her about it I’m pretty sure she’s going to push me to talk to my sister. And things with my sister are complicated.

A little back-story: my husband and I got married less than five months after we met each other. We both knew very early on that this was it. We decided to get the legal marriage out of the way quickly due to many reasons related to his military career and the fact that I was an unemployed student living with my parents. So we had a courthouse wedding. We also knew that although my family is in the area and was able to come to the courthouse, his family was not. So we both wanted to have a second wedding later that was a celebration and a bringing of the two families together. What does this have to do with my sister? Well, the hubby and I met shortly after she got engaged to the man she’d been with for years and had already bought a house with and we were married several months before her wedding, with our Wedding 2.0, as we called it, coming a few months after hers. She felt that I stole her thunder a bit, although we specifically tried to plan things in a way that avoided taking anything away from her and her wedding. And then I made things worse at her wedding when I gave my toast. I won’t say what I said, but it retrospect it was careless and thoughtless and I understand why it hurt her. The LAST thing I wanted to do to my sister on her wedding day was cause her any pain.

A couple of months after her wedding she expressed that what I said hurt her. I apologized. Our relationship has not been the same since, at least not for me. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells around her much of the time. The issue of children makes this much more difficult for several reasons. As I’ve said, I haven’t always wanted to have children. My sister has. She once said she wanted a football team (to be fair she was dating a football player at the time). Just about as far back as I can remember my sister becoming a mother seemed an inevitability. My sister is about two years older than me. Any age related concerns I have, she must have as well. In addition, my sister has struggled with her weight for years. I’ve read enough about trying to conceive that I know that weight can greatly affect one’s ability to do so. I struggle with weight in my own way, but I’ve always been skinnier than my sister and weight has long been a topic we don’t really discuss.

So I don’t know how to discuss with her what’s been going on because I feel like if I get pregnant before her I will be taking something else away from her and I fear that if I even just tell her that I want to have kids it’s somehow going to hurt her. I know that really what I need to do is to just start the conversation, somehow. I really, desperately want to be able to talk to my sister about all this stuff. I just don’t know how to start this conversation. And I don’t want to make the rift between us any bigger. But not starting the conversation almost guarantees that it will get bigger.

I have found that since I started blogging I am generally more open with people in real life about what’s going on. Recently a woman I know who I’ve never quite clicked with was asking for advice for a friend of her’s who is in a similar situation to me. I told this woman I know about my blog and suggested the blogging community as a resource for support. This led to a conversation back and forth about things I never expected to talk to this woman about. It was nice but at the same time this conversation took place via Facebook but she and I aren’t actually even Facebook friends anymore.

The issue of telling people was brought up again for me today. The adoption forum I attended on base was a public forum. And a reporter from the base newspaper was there. They published an article about it on the front page of today’s paper. And I’m in the photo. I’m barely in it, you can only see part of my face and most people probably won’t know it’s me, yet I was not prepared for this. I didn’t realize she was taking any photos. I know that at a public event with a member of the press there is no expectation of privacy, yet I felt violated. The fact that I was there at all, much less the reasons behind it, was all so very private to me. I’m not ready to be totally public about it and I feel a bit like that was forced upon me today.

Talking about our difficulty conceiving has been a challenge for me in many ways. For most people, it’s simply none of their business. With others, I feel they simply would not understand. And then some are more complicated, like my sister. This is all part of why I’ve tried to keep this blog anonymous. I don’t post about it on Facebook, most people in my life don’t know it exists. I like it that way. I think.

In other news, my period is three days late but the home test is negative. I still have my appointment with my doctor on Monday. If my period hasn’t started by then he’ll probably order a blood test, but what I really want is that referral. Fingers crossed.

All Raw Nerves

Let me warn you lovely readers by stating that I am cranky today. I have been cranky since yesterday. So just, please, take that into account when reading this one. Thanks.

I have had a particularly long and busy week this week. Outside of my normal home and school obligations I had:

• an opportunity to see a friend I hadn’t seen in over 10 years
• a very important event for my husband’s career
• extra time in the sculpture lab to finish a project that was due
• a spouse appreciation brunch put on by my husband’s squadron
• a bridal shower for a good friend

It was like this week never stopped. And tomorrow I get to go back and spend more time in the sculpture lab to finish the second part of the project. This would be fun except that we’re still on the boring, uncreative learning how to weld projects right now.

So, the last two items on the list (brunch and bridal shower) were today. I was already worn out from a long week, sleep deprived thanks to my cat being especially obnoxious lately, and cranky. So I was not really in any position to deal with people. But I’d committed to these events, which were supposed to be fun, so I was determined to go.

The brunch was a disaster. One of the members of the senior leadership who put it together said grace before we ate (that in itself was an issue but a much smaller one for me personally) and in this grace he said that “taking care of the kids is the most important job.” Those might not have been his exact words, but they were close. What (I believe) was intended as a statement of gratitude for all the hard work spouses do came off as incredibly insulting to those of us who don’t have children for whatever reason. So with my raw nerves now struck, when we were eating one of the ladies at the table with me asked if I had children. When I said I didn’t she said “really?!” Because I’m going to lie to you about that? It was just a bizarre response, although I have found that in the military community it is actually not all that common not to have kids (had she known my age I suspect she would have been even more surprised). Then, during the brunch there was some feedback that was given to the leadership that was really important. That said, some of it made me feel guilty about the volunteer work that I do for the squadron and like I don’t do it well enough.

I left brunch wanting to break down and cry, but I had a bridal shower to get to. So I sucked it up and went. I had fun but it was also somewhat stressful. I’m not a terribly extroverted person and the only person there that I really knew was the bride. So I kinda sat quietly for most of the shower. And there was both a pregnant woman and a woman with an infant there, so that didn’t help when I was already feeling sensitive. I definitely had a glass of wine with my lunch even though I generally try to abstain when I’m not on my period.

So I came home and cried to my husband and told him that I shouldn’t be around people anymore. I just hate feeling like I’m too sensitive and all raw nerves lately. I’m never sure if what people are saying is legitimately upsetting or if it’s just me. But I’m also not sure if I should be giving people as much benefit of the doubt about their intentions as I do. I think sometimes I’m too accommodating of other people’s points of view at the expense of my own. But I am so very over the experience of going to an event that supposed to be fun and coming home in tears.

More Things Not to Say

I have two more things to add to this list. As usual said by well meaning people who have no idea how their words can sting.

1. You should have kids/you need to have kids/why don’t you have kids?

In my experience this has usually been clearly intended as a compliment. It’s like they are saying “you have so much love to give why aren’t you sharing it with children of your own?” But again, it makes the assumption that having a kid is a easy as making the decision to try and then it automatically happening. It simply doesn’t work like that for everyone.

2. Because I’m a mom/I’m a mom so…

Statements like this assume a kind of both intellectual and even spiritual superiority of moms over others. As I’ve said before mom’s rock and I don’t doubt that there are many things one only knows and experiences directly through parenting. But the condescension is unnecessary and only that much more painful to someone who would like nothing more than to be a mom.

Top Things Not to Say to a Woman Struggling to Conceive

I’ve heard most of these, usually from very well-meaning women. If you know a woman on a long journey to conception and having difficulty, these are a few things I would suggest not saying. Counting down to my absolute least favorite.

9. I’m pregnant.

Okay, obviously I’m not telling you not to share your good news with your friends and family. However, if you know someone who is having difficulty conceiving, be thoughtful about how and when you deliver your news to them. I knew one woman who was on a long, difficult fertility journey involving IVF treatments and at this woman’s birthday dinner a friend (who knew of the difficulty she was having) announced her own pregnancy. Regardless of how and when you share your news, be prepared that your friend may have difficulty sharing your joy in the way you might expect.

8. Maybe it’s just not the right time.

Maybe it’s not, but the older a woman gets, the less likely her chances are of conceiving naturally. She has only so much “right time” left and suggesting she postpone trying may simply not be an option.

7. I’m so tired of being pregnant.

This is said by a woman who is currently pregnant and not enjoying it. And that woman has an absolute right to feel that way. And if that woman doesn’t know that the woman she is talking to is having difficulty conceiving, there is no reason she shouldn’t talk about how she feels. However, if she does know, I would suggest she share those feelings elsewhere. Chances are someone trying to conceive is aware of and will gladly accept without hesitation all the things you are complaining about for the opportunity to carry a child.

6. You can always adopt.

Adoption is a wonderful thing. Trying to conceive is often about so much more than the end result of a child to parent. The fertility journey for many couples does end in adoption, but making that choice is a huge step. Don’t make light of it.

5. You should try ________. It worked for me/my friend/my sister etc.

It’s possible she’s tried it and it didn’t work. It’s possible there is a good reason she isn’t trying it (for example, suggesting ovulation tests to a woman who can’t afford to purchase them). It’s also possible she really doesn’t want to hear any such details about your (or anyone’s) sex life, thanks.

4. My relative/my friend/this woman I know was told she couldn’t conceive so she stopped trying/adopted/used a surrogate, but then she conceived naturally.

This is a wonderful thing that does happen to some women, but it is the exception for those who are told they cannot or it is unlikely they will ever conceive. On this journey hope is a fragile thing and offering false hope creates the danger that all hope will be lost when it doesn’t pan out.

3. We weren’t even trying.

This is generally said by someone who is currently pregnant. And like #7, it is only insensitive when spoken to or around someone you know is trying and having difficulty. If you don’t know that information, there is certainly no reason to censor yourself. However, if you do know, regardless of how true it may be, just don’t say it to/around a woman on this journey. It can be very painful to hear.

2. It will happen when it happens.

Yes, for many women this is true. They keep trying and eventually they conceive. This isn’t true for everyone. Suggesting that it is can add to the guilt, shame, and self-consciousness a woman is feeling about it not just happening to her.

1. Just stop stressing about it.

Thanks! Such great advice. I never even considered that before now. (Can you hear the sarcasm?) There is no on/off switch in our brains and bodies to stop stressing about a particular topic. Yes, stress can affect fertility and this is a vicious cycle. As our stress makes it increasingly difficult to conceive, we feel more stress, then we feel stress over feeling stress, and on and on it goes. You want someone to feel less stress? Do something about it. Take them out for a spa day, help them clean their house, or just spend time with your friend talking about something other than conception, pregnancy, and children. Those are the kind of things that will ultimately help someone reduce stress levels. Telling them not to stress is just going to add more guilt, and therefore stress, to the stress cycle.

Are there any that I’ve missed? Feel free to add them in the comments.

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