conception

Good Old Timing

This morning I learned that my husband is most likely deploying for six months leaving next July. So unless I get pregnant like, now, he’s could miss a good chuck of the pregnancy, the birth, or both. Or we could just lose six months of time trying. Stuff like this is why there is no perfect time for me to get pregnant. Of course a lot could change in the next ten months so who knows? I almost wish we had less time to know about, and worry about, this. Oh well. Can I use hashtags on WordPress? #militarylife

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D’oh!

Ovulation predictor test showed a big fat positive today. Have I just been reading my body’s signs wrong this whole time? Would everything be different if I had just invested in these tests a year ago after the first time someone suggested them to me? What if everything else is okay and our timing has just been off?

It’s starting to feel like maybe infertility is another club to which I don’t actually belong, that I’m just on the fringes of, another place I don’t quite fit in. That whole issue of never quite fitting in had me sobbing uncontrollably last weekend so I’m just going to end this here.

No jumping to conclusions until I talk to the nurse practitioner next month. Until then, breathe.

*Edited to add: I’m pretty sure the Timing Gods are having a good laugh at having me ovulate the same weekend as we are moving.

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Doctor Appointment Recap

The very short version is this: the Nurse Practitioner who I met with thinks, based on the length and irregularity of my recent cycles, that I might not be ovulating at all or at least not every month. There is prescription medication that can stimulate ovulation although it doesn’t work for everyone. Before we try that, however, we have a whole slew of tests for me and hubby to see if there is anything else going on.

For those of you with the patience, here’s the long version:

My appointment was at a clinic at one of the military installations here. When I made my appointment they’d given me the name of the building the clinic was in. When I looked at the installation’s website to see where that building was I was met with the most useless map ever. The buildings are all labeled with numbers with no key to tell you which number goes to which building. So already stressed and nervous, I now didn’t know exactly where I was going. I knew, however, that I could ask the guard at the gate when they checked my ID and he or she should be able to tell me where to go. In reality he didn’t know what he was talking about, but I was still able to find the building. They had told me the clinic was on the second floor but I didn’t know exactly where. When I got there I saw a map of the building and walked over to see if I could find the clinic. An employee whose job it is to direct people to find clinics in this massive hospital complex came over and asked if I needed help finding something. I told her I was looking for the fertility clinic. She directed me upstairs and to the left. Upstairs and to the left was the Obstetrics. She sent the lady looking for the fertility clinic to the place with all the pregnant ladies. Awesome. Luckily the ladies at the OB clinic were really friendly and nice and directed me across the hall to another clinic that included Reproductive Endocrinology/Infertility.

I checked in but I was super early so I had some time to wait. They gave me an info packet about infertility so I sat and read it. I was surprised to find out how much I was already at least somewhat familiar with thanks to reading the stories of my fellow bloggers.

When I finally got called back I went to the office of the Nurse Practitioner who my appointment was with. We then spent the next hour talking. When I left I was in information overload. She asked me lots of questions about our history with trying to conceive and my cycles. I actually told her that my cycles were mostly regular with occasional long or short ones, but when she asked for specific dates I realized that my last few cycles have been really extra long. Like, long enough that I’m probably not ovulating. It’s super frustrating to think that these cycles when I’ve had my period come so late and I’ve thought maybe I was pregnant are cycles when I probably didn’t even ovulate.

But, like I said, she doesn’t want me to go on meds to stimulate ovulation until some other things get checked. So, here is the plan for my next cycle.

  • On Cycle Day 3 (or 2 or 4 if 3 is on a weekend when the labs are closed), get blood work done.
  • Sometime during Cycle Days 5-13, get my Hysterosalpingogram, or HSG, done. For those who don’t know, this test is to check the path between the ovaries and uterus to make sure an egg can travel through. They inject a fluorescing dye in through the cervix and use imaging technology to make sure it’s coming out both fallopian tubes. Fun! And there are very limited days that the clinics do it and they only do a few each day so fingers crossed that I can schedule that when I need to.
  • I am not having the blood Progesterone level test yet because my cycles are so irregular and she doesn’t know which day to have me do them. So instead I’ll be using an Ovulation Predictor Kit from Cycle Day 11 through 20 to see if I see any change. Holy crap those things are expensive! And only stable for 30 days after you open the container.
  • Hubby gets to have a Semen Analysis done. I know he’s excited about that.
  • I have to schedule a pelvic ultrasound. I tried to do that today but had issues getting in touch with the scheduler. Fingers crossed that I can get that done this cycle so that I can make my follow up appointment at the REI office in a reasonable amount of time.
  • I’m overdue for a Pap smear and was hoping to be able to get that done during one of these other appointments but no such luck. So I also have to schedule that with my primary care manager.

So, when all that testing is done I can schedule a follow up appointment to go over the results (she said I can probably schedule the follow up when I schedule the HSG but depending on what’s happening with the pelvic ultrasound I might have to wait). Of course, I’m realizing this week after the chaos of moving stuff this past weekend that this might be one of the worst possible months for me to be trying to fit all this testing in around everything else I have going on. But it is what it is and we’ll get through it.

The other big thing I learned from this appointment is that my psychiatrist was wrong about the anti-depressant that I was on being unsafe for pregnancy. Apparently, whatever category it’s in (I wanna say Category C? but I don’t have the paper she gave me in front of me right now) is one that a lot of doctor’s will just automatically say is unsafe. But the high risk clinic has compiled research about the specific drugs and the one I was on (Zoloft/sertraline) is actually one of the safest. It’s okay not only during all three trimesters of pregnancy, but also during breastfeeding. So now I need to make an appointment with my psychiatrist and see about getting back on it. I think that would help me a lot. I’m kinda mad that I’ve gone all this time (and stress) without it when I didn’t have to, but as my husband pointed out I have shown a great deal of strength in getting through all this without the help of medication.

So again, the short story is I’m maybe not ovulating and we have lots of testing to do this cycle. Wish us luck!

In the meantime, on Wednesday I have to go in for my endoscopy to see if I have a stomach ulcer. The thing I’m most stressed about is that my appointment is not until 3pm and I’m not allowed to eat for 12 hours before. That is going to be torture. I’m also nervous about how the anesthesia is going to affect me. I’m supposed to go to classes the next day but I’m not allowed to operate a vehicle for 24 hours. My hubby has the next day off to take care of me and can drive me to school if I’m up for going, but I have no idea how I’m going to feel. Potentially missing four classes (Thursdays being my busiest days, of course) in the last two weeks before finals is making me super nervous. But I’m assuming that if I’m not supposed to be operating a motor vehicle, welding is probably off the list of safe activities too. So we’ll see. Fingers crossed that I can at least attend my lectures in the morning. And maybe I’ll be able to do work in sculpture class that doesn’t involve welding or other heavy machinery and tools.

One other note. I am incredibly grateful right now to have military healthcare. I cannot imagine going through all this with the added stress of having to figure out how to pay for it. My heart goes out to all you ladies who I know do have that struggle. It is not fair.

Getting Back on Topic

Okay, I need to refocus this blog back to its original intent. I do, however, want to take a moment to discuss why my talking about my depression is relevant. I’m going to try to keep this brief so I can actually get to bed at a decent hour tonight. I have a long day tomorrow.

I have thought a lot about how my depression could impact me and my future children. In fact, it was a large part of why I spent most of my 2os not wanting kids. I worried about two things: 1. my ability to care for someone else when it can be so hard to care for myself and 2. passing on a genetic predisposition for depression/anxiety.

Let me address genetics first. Honestly, there are lots of things I would prefer not to pass on to any future children. I am far from genetic perfection. Aside from the mental health issues there are also things like my dad is a diabetic and my mom’s family has a history of breast cancer. But that is part of the chance we take when we choose to have genetic children, that they will inherit these less than ideal things. We also roll the dice that they will inherit the good stuff, like  my intelligence or my husband’s good looks and red hair. If we want children who are biologically ours, we have to take the good and the bad regarding what parts of us they inherit. That’s just life. Like, literally.

As far as being able to care for someone else, well, that’s complicated. Most of the time I am optimistic. I have spent a lot of time in my life taking care of others, though none so dependent on me as a child would be. Trust me, live with a functional alcoholic for five years and you will understand sacrificing your own needs to care for someone else. That said, on the days when I don’t know how to get out of bed, I wonder. I’ve known children of mentally ill parents and to suggest that it doesn’t have an effect would be naive. My own parents both have their problems, but neither as acute as my own.

I also am aware of my own limitations. I stopped taking medication for depression when we started trying to conceive. I thought by now I’d at least be pregnant. I did not think that I would be spending so much time unmedicated in the pursuit of having a child. And realistically, I have many more months to go without medication if we are able to conceive in any way. And I don’t know, because I haven’t looked into it, what medications, if any, I would be able to take while breast feeding, which I plan to do. I knew many years ago that I would probably be on meds for the rest of my life. I’ve (mostly) made my peace with that. It’s scary to be off them for so long without “anything to show for it.” It’s scary not to know how much longer this might continue.

So I trust myself and I don’t. I know that parents find within themselves strengths that they never knew they had before they had children. I believe I will find at least some of that. I also have to be realistic. I am not perfect and never will be. I am going to fuck up my children in some way, every parent does. I just have to do my best, even on days when getting out of bed feels impossible.

Speaking in Code

Today is my first full day of Spring Break (wooooo!) and I have a nasty migraine that has left me spending most of the day with my butt glued to the sofa. What’s extra frustrating is that I am bored and restless, I want to be doing something else, but the pain in my head is demanding I stay still. Fortunately, so far, looking at the computer screen hasn’t been an issue, so at least I can blog. This is another from my to-do list: acronyms.

When we very first started trying to conceive I picked up a copy of “What to Expect Before You’re Expecting” from someone on base for like $2. Early in the book they mention a bunch of acronyms that they use throughout and there’s a longer list in the back. It is also mentioned that these acronyms are used a lot on their message boards. It was frustrating, at first, trying to remember what everything meant. After a while I understood or could figure out most of them. Sometimes I even think about things in terms of acronyms and not the full words.

BUT when I started blogging, I knew I didn’t want to fill my posts with acronyms. Is it easier and faster? Sure. But it’s also alienating for anyone who is not familiar with the terms, whether they are someone who hasn’t dealt with conception/fertility or someone brand new to the community. I didn’t want to alienate potential readers by overloading them with unfamiliar acronyms. So I make a point to write out things like trying to conceive rather than just TTC or talk about my period rather than AF (for Aunt Flow).

A huge part of why I chose to do things this way was my experience as a military spouse. The military is famous for its use of acronyms and there’s good reason why. When my husband and I were first dating and especially when we first got married, it was completely overwhelming and alienating to hear all these acronyms that I didn’t understand. Within the community we throw around these terms like they are any other word and I admit that I’ve been guilty of using them with people like my family who don’t necessarily understand.

The tricky thing about acronyms and other community specific vocabulary is that they both create a sense of community for those who understand them and push away those who don’t. It’s great to be able to talk in shorthand around my military friends, but I have to be aware and reign it in around everyone else. I think there are some similarities in the conception/fertility community, for me anyway. When I first started blogging and reading other blogs, there were times when I was overwhelmed by acronyms. I’ve definitely found myself Google-ing stuff and then feeling like I don’t belong because I didn’t automatically know what something meant. This has been especially true when reading blogs by those in the throes of IVF.

Now please don’t get me wrong, this is not meant as a criticism of those in the community who use these acronyms. We starting thinking in these terms and it’s easy to speak in them. Especially when we are expecting to speak to those who understand. But my goals for this blog include creating something accessible to people who are not trying to conceive and/or who have not ever had difficulty conceiving, but who might still be interested in reading about my personal journey. But that’s just me and my blog. I just wanted to speak briefly about some of my thoughts on communities and their codes and the pros and cons of speaking in them.

Coming Soon

I’ve been thinking about ways to improve this blog. I will likely spend some time during my spring break tinkering with the design more, I haven’t been able to find something I really like yet. But I also want to make some content changes. One of the pieces of advice I’ve heard from other bloggers is that it’s good to have regular features, something that you post on a certain day of the week every week. So I have a couple of ideas.

The first idea, which I’m definitely going to implement starting this week, is Foto Fridays. I’ve been hesitant to post photos because of the whole anonymous side of this blog, but I’m such a visual person that not having a visual component just feels wrong to me. So from now on every Friday I will post at least one photo. They will not have me or my husband or other people in them and I will also probably avoid any easily recognizable places. But you will probably see (a lot of) our cat and other random things, like a pretty sunset or our garden in the spring. I might even include some photos of my artwork. I hope this is something my readers will enjoy.

I’m also thinking about making my thoughts on parenting into a weekly feature, probably on Sundays. I’m not sure about this one because I don’t know if I can really talk about parenting every week, especially because talking about it sometimes just makes me more depressed when I can’t yet put my ideas into practice. So maybe bi-weekly or monthly? I’m still trying to decide on that one.

Those are my only ideas right now. I would like to have at least one more weekly feature but I’m stuck on ideas. I would totally post recipes but I’m trying to keep this blog focused on conception and parenting. So, dear readers, do you have any ideas? Is there anything you would like to hear more of from me, even if it’s not a regular feature? I would love any and all feedback on how to improve this blog. Thanks in advance!

Telling People

So I recently started making a list of blog topics to write about and this is one that I’ve really wanted to write about for a while. It’s also one of the more difficult because it involves revealing some things that I’m not proud of. So, one of the questions that I’ve had to ask myself a lot lately is who do I talk to about trying to conceive? This spans everything from how do I answer questions about having kids/wanting kids/trying for kids, telling people about my blog, or just telling people what’s going on. I have found if I tell people that we’ve been trying without success (especially without any detail because I don’t know them well enough) I hear some of the things on my do not say list. But what about the people I am close to?

I have a confession. I have not spoken to my mother or my sister about what’s going on. My mother knows that we’ve been trying, but that’s all. I haven’t even told my sister that much. Here are two women who should be the closest women in my life, who I love so very dearly, and who I want to talk to about all this. Yet I’m terrified of doing so. With my mom, it’s mostly because if I start talking to her about it I’m pretty sure she’s going to push me to talk to my sister. And things with my sister are complicated.

A little back-story: my husband and I got married less than five months after we met each other. We both knew very early on that this was it. We decided to get the legal marriage out of the way quickly due to many reasons related to his military career and the fact that I was an unemployed student living with my parents. So we had a courthouse wedding. We also knew that although my family is in the area and was able to come to the courthouse, his family was not. So we both wanted to have a second wedding later that was a celebration and a bringing of the two families together. What does this have to do with my sister? Well, the hubby and I met shortly after she got engaged to the man she’d been with for years and had already bought a house with and we were married several months before her wedding, with our Wedding 2.0, as we called it, coming a few months after hers. She felt that I stole her thunder a bit, although we specifically tried to plan things in a way that avoided taking anything away from her and her wedding. And then I made things worse at her wedding when I gave my toast. I won’t say what I said, but it retrospect it was careless and thoughtless and I understand why it hurt her. The LAST thing I wanted to do to my sister on her wedding day was cause her any pain.

A couple of months after her wedding she expressed that what I said hurt her. I apologized. Our relationship has not been the same since, at least not for me. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells around her much of the time. The issue of children makes this much more difficult for several reasons. As I’ve said, I haven’t always wanted to have children. My sister has. She once said she wanted a football team (to be fair she was dating a football player at the time). Just about as far back as I can remember my sister becoming a mother seemed an inevitability. My sister is about two years older than me. Any age related concerns I have, she must have as well. In addition, my sister has struggled with her weight for years. I’ve read enough about trying to conceive that I know that weight can greatly affect one’s ability to do so. I struggle with weight in my own way, but I’ve always been skinnier than my sister and weight has long been a topic we don’t really discuss.

So I don’t know how to discuss with her what’s been going on because I feel like if I get pregnant before her I will be taking something else away from her and I fear that if I even just tell her that I want to have kids it’s somehow going to hurt her. I know that really what I need to do is to just start the conversation, somehow. I really, desperately want to be able to talk to my sister about all this stuff. I just don’t know how to start this conversation. And I don’t want to make the rift between us any bigger. But not starting the conversation almost guarantees that it will get bigger.

I have found that since I started blogging I am generally more open with people in real life about what’s going on. Recently a woman I know who I’ve never quite clicked with was asking for advice for a friend of her’s who is in a similar situation to me. I told this woman I know about my blog and suggested the blogging community as a resource for support. This led to a conversation back and forth about things I never expected to talk to this woman about. It was nice but at the same time this conversation took place via Facebook but she and I aren’t actually even Facebook friends anymore.

The issue of telling people was brought up again for me today. The adoption forum I attended on base was a public forum. And a reporter from the base newspaper was there. They published an article about it on the front page of today’s paper. And I’m in the photo. I’m barely in it, you can only see part of my face and most people probably won’t know it’s me, yet I was not prepared for this. I didn’t realize she was taking any photos. I know that at a public event with a member of the press there is no expectation of privacy, yet I felt violated. The fact that I was there at all, much less the reasons behind it, was all so very private to me. I’m not ready to be totally public about it and I feel a bit like that was forced upon me today.

Talking about our difficulty conceiving has been a challenge for me in many ways. For most people, it’s simply none of their business. With others, I feel they simply would not understand. And then some are more complicated, like my sister. This is all part of why I’ve tried to keep this blog anonymous. I don’t post about it on Facebook, most people in my life don’t know it exists. I like it that way. I think.

In other news, my period is three days late but the home test is negative. I still have my appointment with my doctor on Monday. If my period hasn’t started by then he’ll probably order a blood test, but what I really want is that referral. Fingers crossed.

Let’s Talk About Sex

Although we are certainly keeping our options open, the hubster and I are still hoping to conceive the old-fashioned way. And that means sex. I don’t think I can honestly talk about trying to conceive without talking about sex. While for many getting pregnant by having sex may seem like a pretty straightforward and simple thing, it isn’t for everyone. Unfortunately I am one of those for whom it is not so easy. Disclaimer – The following may be TMI for some people. I’m not going into graphic detail about my sex life, but I am going to discuss some things that not everyone necessarily wants to read about. Go ahead and skip it if it makes you uncomfortable.

So I’m going to share some of my personal history. While most of my friends lost their virginity some time in their teens, I didn’t lose mine until I was 21. For the next six years the man I lost my virginity to was my only sexual partner. Our sexual relationship was at best dysfunctional, but more honestly in retrospect I believe it was abusive. I’m not comfortable sharing any more about it than that. In addition to these relationship issues I have some physiological issues that cause me to have pain during or after sex much of the time (ironically my OBGYN when I lived in another part of the country once suggested that having a baby would fix these issues). Because of the pain (and probably the abuse) I started having severe anxiety around having sex, which caused me to tense up, which of course just caused more pain. I tell you all of this because the net result has been that my sex drive plummeted to almost non-existent.

We’ve been trying to conceive by tracking my cycle and having sex when I’m ovulating. Seems pretty simple, except that for someone with a low sex drive and anxiety and pain around sex, having sex essentially on demand can be really, really challenging. There have been months where we’ve missed our chance simply because I have been so far from in the mood when I’m ovulating that we don’t even try. It’s a difficult balance. And one we are working on, let me make that part clear. I wish it was just as easy as having sex with my partner should be (and often times it totally is!), but sometimes it just isn’t for me.

I feel like if I’m going to blog about what my challenges conceiving have been, I need to include this. Some of it is really hard to say, however anonymously. But I feel I should be honest, not only with my readers, but even more so with myself.

The Myth of Super Mom

This post is dedicated to my sister-in-law and loyal reader, she knows who she is. ❤

So, let me preface my talk of super mom by stating that yesterday morning, after a weekend of breakdowns, tears, and panic attacks, I decided I needed to drop one of my classes. The level of stress I was feeling so early was just not sustainable for me. And by making the decision sooner rather than later I save myself another W on my transcript (you should see my transcripts from 10+ years ago, it’s like 75% W’s). I am trying really hard, especially in light of my history, to not beat myself up about this. I know it was the right decision, but it was a really frustrating one to have to make. What’s funny is that one of the biggest issues this creates is that it means I might not be able to graduate in 3 more semesters. But guess what? If I get pregnant anytime before September, that all changes anyway. So whatever. I’m doing what I can.

So what does this have to do with super moms? Well, my sister-in-law pointed out to me the fallacy of super moms. I’ll let her words speak:

People try to look perfect and like they’re doing and having it all but they’re not. They are sacrificing whole parts of themselves and their lives to appear that way. It’s a lie. And no way to live.

And it got me thinking about this lie that we tell ourselves. We think that there are such things as super moms. And many of us aspire to be those people. Yes, there are type-A people who do a lot more than many of the rest of us, but there is always sacrifice. And we often don’t know what that sacrifice is. My sil mentioned a mom she knows who everyone thinks is super mom because she’s super crafty and organizes great play dates and outings, but she also has a nanny and problems in her marriage. I know a mom who works full-time, goes to school online full-time, does volunteer work, and parents her 17 month old. She recently became pregnant with a second and I wasn’t sure if she was superwoman or crazy. Turns out neither, she got pregnant while on birth control. (That some people get pregnant while actively trying not to and others of us can’t seem to at all is a topic for another day.) And now she is going to stop working when her second is born because the cost of daycare for two kids would pretty much cancel out her paycheck. It’s all complicated and we all have to sacrifice somewhere.

In my women’s studies course last semester I wrote a paper about having it all. I talked about the fact that there is no singular definition of having it all for every woman (or man) and that what that looks like changes for an individual throughout their lifetime. Right now, having “it all” for me looks like having a strong marriage to a wonderful, supportive man, doing the best I can in school to finish this degree, and continuing to try to conceive. I had to be honest with myself about what the best I can do in school right now is. But I would rather do well and take a little more time than over-stress myself and end up failing classes, wasting money, and potentially even dropping out.

Right now having it all includes that I don’t exactly know where my life is headed. I hope that we are able to conceive and start a family soon. I look forward to being a really kick-ass, awesome, funny, loving mom who makes sacrifices for her family and for her work. I do not aspire to be super mom, she does not exist.