Although we are certainly keeping our options open, the hubster and I are still hoping to conceive the old-fashioned way. And that means sex. I don’t think I can honestly talk about trying to conceive without talking about sex. While for many getting pregnant by having sex may seem like a pretty straightforward and simple thing, it isn’t for everyone. Unfortunately I am one of those for whom it is not so easy. Disclaimer – The following may be TMI for some people. I’m not going into graphic detail about my sex life, but I am going to discuss some things that not everyone necessarily wants to read about. Go ahead and skip it if it makes you uncomfortable.
So I’m going to share some of my personal history. While most of my friends lost their virginity some time in their teens, I didn’t lose mine until I was 21. For the next six years the man I lost my virginity to was my only sexual partner. Our sexual relationship was at best dysfunctional, but more honestly in retrospect I believe it was abusive. I’m not comfortable sharing any more about it than that. In addition to these relationship issues I have some physiological issues that cause me to have pain during or after sex much of the time (ironically my OBGYN when I lived in another part of the country once suggested that having a baby would fix these issues). Because of the pain (and probably the abuse) I started having severe anxiety around having sex, which caused me to tense up, which of course just caused more pain. I tell you all of this because the net result has been that my sex drive plummeted to almost non-existent.
We’ve been trying to conceive by tracking my cycle and having sex when I’m ovulating. Seems pretty simple, except that for someone with a low sex drive and anxiety and pain around sex, having sex essentially on demand can be really, really challenging. There have been months where we’ve missed our chance simply because I have been so far from in the mood when I’m ovulating that we don’t even try. It’s a difficult balance. And one we are working on, let me make that part clear. I wish it was just as easy as having sex with my partner should be (and often times it totally is!), but sometimes it just isn’t for me.
I feel like if I’m going to blog about what my challenges conceiving have been, I need to include this. Some of it is really hard to say, however anonymously. But I feel I should be honest, not only with my readers, but even more so with myself.
Conception's Bitch 
Maybe you should stop trying to conceive. Instead work with your emotions and your sexuality. Study tantra. It gives a lot of good exercises which can bring you and your partner closer together. Then when you are feeling more relaxed and enjoy sex for its own sake the other thing will happen automatically. Good luck.
Thank you for the advice. You’re new here so I won’t give you a lecture about why stopping trying isn’t the choice for me at this time. I appreciate the thought.
Did you seriously bring “relax and it will happen” to an infertility blog, on a post that deals with sexual trauma, no less?
Also a bit TMI but warranted for the subject matter.
Sexual trauma is an incredibly real thing even in the most emotionally healthy people. Any kind of trauma must be handled with care and finesse. One piece of therapy for it is to find what arouses you. Independently. The who, the what, and the how is inconsequential. The key to finding the ability to “get in the mood” after a trauma of any magnitude it to make it solely about yourself. Take the pressure out of the equation. While this seems nearly impossible to do, this is only possible if one views it from solo perspective. I.E. what you would do pre-masterbation. Make it about only you…and the arousal factor should/could be raised.
This isn’t something that will work the first time around. It is a process. Sometimes a long one. But to put this into effect will help open your inhibitions piece by piece. Little by little. In the field of sexual therapy the key to opening up is all about self gratification. 🙂
Good Luck! 🙂
Thank you for the suggestion. It is definitely something to think about. It’s weird hearing words like sexual trauma. I spent a lot of time, mostly when I was in the abusive relationship, wondering if I had some repressed sexual trauma from my childhood. Now at a safe distance from that relationship I’m certain there is nothing repressed from childhood, the trauma was from that relationship. It took me a long time to admit that to myself and it’s actually a huge step to be admitting it here. But once I uncovered that a lot of other things made sense.
Knowing from experience how sex-on-demand can cause so much stress it makes TTC impossible, I can only imagine how much harder it is for you and your partner. You are brave to talk about it.
Thank you. It’s not easy to talk about but it’s one of those things that really needs to be talked about more.
I agree. I’m sure you feel alone in this, but I bet there are lots of others in the TTC/IF community. Maybe your post will help others open up more about it.