D’oh!

Ovulation predictor test showed a big fat positive today. Have I just been reading my body’s signs wrong this whole time? Would everything be different if I had just invested in these tests a year ago after the first time someone suggested them to me? What if everything else is okay and our timing has just been off?

It’s starting to feel like maybe infertility is another club to which I don’t actually belong, that I’m just on the fringes of, another place I don’t quite fit in. That whole issue of never quite fitting in had me sobbing uncontrollably last weekend so I’m just going to end this here.

No jumping to conclusions until I talk to the nurse practitioner next month. Until then, breathe.

*Edited to add: I’m pretty sure the Timing Gods are having a good laugh at having me ovulate the same weekend as we are moving.

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Happenings

A few little things from the past few days.

It seems more and more likely that the nurse practitioner was spot on about my not ovulating. Based on the usual signs I should be ovulating today, but the Ovulation Predictor Kit says otherwise. I even took it twice because the first time my urine was pretty diluted so I tried again after not drinking anything for two hours like the instructions suggest. Both were clear negatives. I’m going to keep testing as per her instructions, but I’ll be surprised if I get a positive.

Another friend is pregnant. But this friend knows what’s going on and has dealt with infertility herself in the past and she was really thoughtful. She made a point to tell me personally before it’s public because she didn’t want me to be surprised if I see her. And even though she said it probably wasn’t something I wanted to hear, just the thoughtful way she told me made it so much easier to just be happy for her. Even though she told me right before my ultrasound yesterday which I was really nervous about (she didn’t know that I was about to have it or I suspect she would have told me another time). Yay for finally feeling straight up happy for a pregnant friend.

Because of the move we’ve been giving away some stuff we don’t need/want anymore through a Facebook page on base. Today a woman came to pick up some concrete edgers we’d had for our garden. She brought her five month old. That was fine, she was a stranger, the baby was cute, whatever. This woman got really chatty, which again was fine, it took us a while to move all the edgers to her car and it would have been really awkward if she hadn’t been friendly. At one point she asked if I had kids and I said that I did not. And she proceeds to tell me that she and her husband tried for two and half years including “fertility pills” before she became pregnant, and when she became pregnant it was “the worst timing” because of her job and her son being born two days after Christmas. I had no idea how to respond to this. It was so awkward. I just met her, I wasn’t about to tell her things about my life that some of my friends don’t even know. And I was a bit irritated by her cavalier comments about timing. She did mention that her son was worth it, but there was a really strong attitude that he was an inconvenience. It was weird.

I tried to take today off from moving and stress, it mostly happened (aside from the above event). Now tomorrow and Friday everything gears up for the big move on Saturday. Then Sunday is the baby shower for my best friend and his new wife. And Monday my parents are coming up for a belated Mother’s Day lunch and to see the new house. So don’t expect to see much of me around for a while.

Doctor Appointment Recap

The very short version is this: the Nurse Practitioner who I met with thinks, based on the length and irregularity of my recent cycles, that I might not be ovulating at all or at least not every month. There is prescription medication that can stimulate ovulation although it doesn’t work for everyone. Before we try that, however, we have a whole slew of tests for me and hubby to see if there is anything else going on.

For those of you with the patience, here’s the long version:

My appointment was at a clinic at one of the military installations here. When I made my appointment they’d given me the name of the building the clinic was in. When I looked at the installation’s website to see where that building was I was met with the most useless map ever. The buildings are all labeled with numbers with no key to tell you which number goes to which building. So already stressed and nervous, I now didn’t know exactly where I was going. I knew, however, that I could ask the guard at the gate when they checked my ID and he or she should be able to tell me where to go. In reality he didn’t know what he was talking about, but I was still able to find the building. They had told me the clinic was on the second floor but I didn’t know exactly where. When I got there I saw a map of the building and walked over to see if I could find the clinic. An employee whose job it is to direct people to find clinics in this massive hospital complex came over and asked if I needed help finding something. I told her I was looking for the fertility clinic. She directed me upstairs and to the left. Upstairs and to the left was the Obstetrics. She sent the lady looking for the fertility clinic to the place with all the pregnant ladies. Awesome. Luckily the ladies at the OB clinic were really friendly and nice and directed me across the hall to another clinic that included Reproductive Endocrinology/Infertility.

I checked in but I was super early so I had some time to wait. They gave me an info packet about infertility so I sat and read it. I was surprised to find out how much I was already at least somewhat familiar with thanks to reading the stories of my fellow bloggers.

When I finally got called back I went to the office of the Nurse Practitioner who my appointment was with. We then spent the next hour talking. When I left I was in information overload. She asked me lots of questions about our history with trying to conceive and my cycles. I actually told her that my cycles were mostly regular with occasional long or short ones, but when she asked for specific dates I realized that my last few cycles have been really extra long. Like, long enough that I’m probably not ovulating. It’s super frustrating to think that these cycles when I’ve had my period come so late and I’ve thought maybe I was pregnant are cycles when I probably didn’t even ovulate.

But, like I said, she doesn’t want me to go on meds to stimulate ovulation until some other things get checked. So, here is the plan for my next cycle.

• On Cycle Day 3 (or 2 or 4 if 3 is on a weekend when the labs are closed), get blood work done.
• Sometime during Cycle Days 5-13, get my Hysterosalpingogram, or HSG, done. For those who don’t know, this test is to check the path between the ovaries and uterus to make sure an egg can travel through. They inject a fluorescing dye in through the cervix and use imaging technology to make sure it’s coming out both fallopian tubes. Fun! And there are very limited days that the clinics do it and they only do a few each day so fingers crossed that I can schedule that when I need to.
• I am not having the blood Progesterone level test yet because my cycles are so irregular and she doesn’t know which day to have me do them. So instead I’ll be using an Ovulation Predictor Kit from Cycle Day 11 through 20 to see if I see any change. Holy crap those things are expensive! And only stable for 30 days after you open the container.
• Hubby gets to have a Semen Analysis done. I know he’s excited about that.
• I have to schedule a pelvic ultrasound. I tried to do that today but had issues getting in touch with the scheduler. Fingers crossed that I can get that done this cycle so that I can make my follow up appointment at the REI office in a reasonable amount of time.
• I’m overdue for a Pap smear and was hoping to be able to get that done during one of these other appointments but no such luck. So I also have to schedule that with my primary care manager.

So, when all that testing is done I can schedule a follow up appointment to go over the results (she said I can probably schedule the follow up when I schedule the HSG but depending on what’s happening with the pelvic ultrasound I might have to wait). Of course, I’m realizing this week after the chaos of moving stuff this past weekend that this might be one of the worst possible months for me to be trying to fit all this testing in around everything else I have going on. But it is what it is and we’ll get through it.

The other big thing I learned from this appointment is that my psychiatrist was wrong about the anti-depressant that I was on being unsafe for pregnancy. Apparently, whatever category it’s in (I wanna say Category C? but I don’t have the paper she gave me in front of me right now) is one that a lot of doctor’s will just automatically say is unsafe. But the high risk clinic has compiled research about the specific drugs and the one I was on (Zoloft/sertraline) is actually one of the safest. It’s okay not only during all three trimesters of pregnancy, but also during breastfeeding. So now I need to make an appointment with my psychiatrist and see about getting back on it. I think that would help me a lot. I’m kinda mad that I’ve gone all this time (and stress) without it when I didn’t have to, but as my husband pointed out I have shown a great deal of strength in getting through all this without the help of medication.

So again, the short story is I’m maybe not ovulating and we have lots of testing to do this cycle. Wish us luck!

In the meantime, on Wednesday I have to go in for my endoscopy to see if I have a stomach ulcer. The thing I’m most stressed about is that my appointment is not until 3pm and I’m not allowed to eat for 12 hours before. That is going to be torture. I’m also nervous about how the anesthesia is going to affect me. I’m supposed to go to classes the next day but I’m not allowed to operate a vehicle for 24 hours. My hubby has the next day off to take care of me and can drive me to school if I’m up for going, but I have no idea how I’m going to feel. Potentially missing four classes (Thursdays being my busiest days, of course) in the last two weeks before finals is making me super nervous. But I’m assuming that if I’m not supposed to be operating a motor vehicle, welding is probably off the list of safe activities too. So we’ll see. Fingers crossed that I can at least attend my lectures in the morning. And maybe I’ll be able to do work in sculpture class that doesn’t involve welding or other heavy machinery and tools.

One other note. I am incredibly grateful right now to have military healthcare. I cannot imagine going through all this with the added stress of having to figure out how to pay for it. My heart goes out to all you ladies who I know do have that struggle. It is not fair.

Tomorrow

I’m trying to decide just how much of this story to tell. I’m going to try to keep it brief and not go into detail, not only because it paints me in a really bad light (for good reason, I did some bad stuff), but also because I don’t want to take too much away from the intended purpose of this blog. Tomorrow I am going to help a friend move. I use the word friend with some hesitation. Here is a brief history of our friendship…

We met when I briefly lived in a house with a woman who was at the time my best friend and three other people. It was mostly college students. It was, for the most part, a really great experience for me. This woman was one of our roommates. She was a terrible roommate. But, we became friends anyway. And she introduced me to blogging in the form of LiveJournal. Because of her, I had a blog on LJ for something like seven years.

After I moved out and went away to school and then to another part of the country to follow a man, she and I kept in touch via LJ. We became very, very close because of that platform. Like, to the point that she knew more about my life than my once best friend. I know at least one secret about her that I have never told anyone. Because she asked me not to. And believe me, there were times I wanted to share that information.

When my ex and I broke up it was bad. The really short version of the story is that I cheated on him and he kicked me out. I ended up moving back across the country to live with my parents. I lost a ton of friends because of the breakup itself, the cause of the breakup, and my actions after the breakup. I have no allusions, I made some downright awful choices during that time. I wish I could go back and change them, not because I want that life back (I don’t, at all), but because I hurt so many people who I love and I wish I could undo that.

So, this particular friend and I were really close at this time. She was someone I was calling and crying to over the phone. She knew things nobody else knew. At one point I forwarded her an email conversation between myself and the man I cheated with. Somehow that email got back to my ex. Now, I don’t know who sent it. I doubt I’ll ever know. But it seems likely that it was her for reasons I won’t go into. So I did what everyone else had done to me: I cut her out of my life. I don’t think I even said anything to her about why, I just stopped all contact. And there was no response from her so I figured I’d done the right thing.

Then, a while back, maybe a year or so, I’m not sure, I had one of those nights where I started really missing people from that life. And I started looking them up on Facebook. And I sent friend requests to some of them, mostly the ones who once said that I would never lose them and then later cut me out of their lives, certain that nobody would accept them. I also sent one to her. And she accepted it.

So we are Facebook friends and even though we are currently both living in the same area, we haven’t seen each other in over four years. There have been a couple of half-hearted attempts on both our parts to rekindle the friendship for real but nothing has really come of it. Until now. A few weeks ago she posted about needing help moving. At the time, of course, I had no idea we were going to be moving next month. And I offered to help. And she accepted. So here we are. Tomorrow I will see her for the first time. There will be other people there so I don’t expect us to get into any deep conversations about our friendship or anything like that.

But I’m nervous. I’m a bit afraid of opening up a can of worms in regards to my old life. I think she might even still be in contact with my ex, although I don’t know what kind or how much contact. I’m just really not sure what I’ve gotten myself into with this. I guess I will see.

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In the meantime, on something actually related to the purpose of this blog, I’m currently battling a nasty yeast infection and hoping that it clears up before I ovulate this month. Fingers crossed y’all.

Let’s Talk About Sex

Although we are certainly keeping our options open, the hubster and I are still hoping to conceive the old-fashioned way. And that means sex. I don’t think I can honestly talk about trying to conceive without talking about sex. While for many getting pregnant by having sex may seem like a pretty straightforward and simple thing, it isn’t for everyone. Unfortunately I am one of those for whom it is not so easy. Disclaimer – The following may be TMI for some people. I’m not going into graphic detail about my sex life, but I am going to discuss some things that not everyone necessarily wants to read about. Go ahead and skip it if it makes you uncomfortable.

So I’m going to share some of my personal history. While most of my friends lost their virginity some time in their teens, I didn’t lose mine until I was 21. For the next six years the man I lost my virginity to was my only sexual partner. Our sexual relationship was at best dysfunctional, but more honestly in retrospect I believe it was abusive. I’m not comfortable sharing any more about it than that. In addition to these relationship issues I have some physiological issues that cause me to have pain during or after sex much of the time (ironically my OBGYN when I lived in another part of the country once suggested that having a baby would fix these issues). Because of the pain (and probably the abuse) I started having severe anxiety around having sex, which caused me to tense up, which of course just caused more pain. I tell you all of this because the net result has been that my sex drive plummeted to almost non-existent.

We’ve been trying to conceive by tracking my cycle and having sex when I’m ovulating. Seems pretty simple, except that for someone with a low sex drive and anxiety and pain around sex, having sex essentially on demand can be really, really challenging. There have been months where we’ve missed our chance simply because I have been so far from in the mood when I’m ovulating that we don’t even try. It’s a difficult balance. And one we are working on, let me make that part clear. I wish it was just as easy as having sex with my partner should be (and often times it totally is!), but sometimes it just isn’t for me.

I feel like if I’m going to blog about what my challenges conceiving have been, I need to include this. Some of it is really hard to say, however anonymously. But I feel I should be honest, not only with my readers, but even more so with myself.

Bright Side

This morning I was surprised by the early arrival of my period. I’m trying to look on the bright side instead of letting the disappointment win. So, good things about this are:

1. the unexplained joint pain I’ve been experiencing for the past couple of days is now explained by the PMS

2. I was probably accurate when I thought I was ovulating early when my husband was out of town, which suggests I’m good at reading my body’s signs of ovulation

Also, apparently the awkwardness I felt at the kid’s birthday party was all in my head.

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Timing is Everything

They say that timing is everything. Just today I rescheduled a trip to the grocery store so that I could be home to watch a football game. Anyone who has gone on the journey to conception knows that on this trip, timing is truly vital.

Two days after we returned from my grandmother’s memorial service, my husband’s grandmother passed away. We initially thought that he would be unable to attend the memorial due to a job related conflict. Fortunately he was able to take a day to go, but unfortunately the cost of airfare meant that I couldn’t go with him. Yesterday a couple of hours after I dropped him at the airport I noticed some signs that I’m ovulating. It looks like this month may be another one when we pause on this journey. Timing.

Of course, my calendar says we still have a chance this month. And the signs I’m reading aren’t as clear as they are some months. I’ve been thinking that I might want to give in and buy some ovulation predictor kits. This isn’t the first month when my body and my calendar have been telling me very different things. I usually make an effort to try both times when they differ like this, but it seems like it would be good to know more specifically which is more reliable. I just don’t like the idea of spending so much money on something that I could need to use for several months. The people I know who swear by these kits tell me that I wouldn’t need it for more than a month or two, but our bodies are all different.

Speaking of timing, I keep thinking about how there is no perfect time for us to get pregnant. I have three semesters left to finish this degree and if I get pregnant in the middle of that there’s no telling how much time it would take to finish. Especially if I would be due in the middle of a semester. Some upcoming changes in my husband’s job mean that we are likely to stay here for another two years, which would be great for me finishing school if I don’t take any time off. But if we wait to get pregnant until my last semester to not interfere with school, we might not still be in this area where my family is when I give birth. Plus my age makes me really nervous about waiting at all, in particular considering that things are already not going smoothly. Throw in the possibility of a deployment sometime in our future and things get even more scary. So there is no perfect time, which is why we aren’t waiting for one. We will keep trying and hoping and whatever happens we will go with it.

The timing involved in making sure that sperm has a chance to meet egg is vital to our goal. Exactly what month that happens can’t be. We simply have to keep trying.